Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

Sausage Wars

You know how you have one of those days when you’re in a sharing mood, but you probably should have phoned a friend for guidance before posting an allegedly controversial picture on the interweb? Well, I had one of those days recently. There I was, doing my civic duty and simply trying to uplift the […]

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I Got Pots Y’all

These past few weeks of social distancing have really gotten me to look at things in my apartment differently. I’ve found the desire to do stuff I’ve never considered before. After living here for five years, I found myself in the kitchen one evening learning that the square thingy my Keurig sits on has been […]

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In Defense of My Home Phone

Somehow, I recently found myself the target of some online criticism and ridicule from friends, family, and countrymen. This isn’t exactly out of the norm for me. After all, I do have a day job, so there isn’t much I haven’t heard or been called. As a matter of fact, there was that one day […]

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A Virus Among Us

If you know anything about me, then you know I am always completely reasonable and rational. I’m so even-tempered that I was voted “most level-headed” when I graduated from kindergarten. While other kids were playing with blocks or other silly things, I was doing advanced toddler yoga over by the swings. Yes, if anything, I […]

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The Master Cleanse

I recently got the bright idea to try the Master Cleanse. I’m not exactly sure why I made this decision, but maybe it was because my laptop camera got tired of trying to fit my whole face into the frame during facial recognition. It began to “suggest” all types of advertisements for various diets. At […]

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Kiss the Girls . . . and Expectant Mothers

You may know this about me already, but sometimes I find myself in awkward situations. I’m not sure why this happens. Perhaps it’s because of my upbringing. Maybe Mercury is in a retro arcade. Perhaps it’s because of my zodiac sign, but even that’s awkward because my mother could not decide which sign was best, […]

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Black Friday, Red Saturday, Death Monday

Like most people, every Black Friday I’m forced to make major life decisions. I scrounge through the sales ads and ponder whether I should pay my rent or throw caution to the wind and get a Nintendo Switch and the new Apple Watch I’ve always wanted. Some may argue that these items aren’t necessities, but […]

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And Sometimes the Crap Hits More Than Just the Fan

A wise person once said, “Never have drinks with coworkers.” Because I have problems with authority, I usually don’t listen to wise people. Instead, I drink with as many coworkers as possible. Sometimes we take our first round of shots as early as 8 AM to start our day on the right note. That noted, […]

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Birthday Tires & Prostates

Despite all the begging, pleading, and letters I wrote to Santa, my birthday has somehow managed to come around again this year. As many of you and AARP know, this will be a major one for me. I won’t bore you with the exact number, but let’s just say you’d need several spreadsheets to do […]

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Four of My Five Shrinks Agree

So, I was minding my own business the other day, wondering how I could solve world peace while also appearing on the next season of The Bachelor when it hit me: I had 99 problems and stress was one. Right then and there, I started rubbing my neck with Ben Gay and Robitussin. Why Robitussin, […]

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