Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

Kiss the Girls . . . and Expectant Mothers

You may know this about me already, but sometimes I find myself in awkward situations. I’m not sure why this happens. Perhaps it’s because of my upbringing. Maybe Mercury is in a retro arcade. Perhaps it’s because of my zodiac sign, but even that’s awkward because my mother could not decide which sign was best, […]

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Black Friday, Red Saturday, Death Monday

Like most people, every Black Friday I’m forced to make major life decisions. I scrounge through the sales ads and ponder whether I should pay my rent or throw caution to the wind and get a Nintendo Switch and the new Apple Watch I’ve always wanted. Some may argue that these items aren’t necessities, but […]

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And Sometimes the Crap Hits More Than Just the Fan

A wise person once said, “Never have drinks with coworkers.” Because I have problems with authority, I usually don’t listen to wise people. Instead, I drink with as many coworkers as possible. Sometimes we take our first round of shots as early as 8 AM to start our day on the right note. That noted, […]

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Birthday Tires & Prostates

Despite all the begging, pleading, and letters I wrote to Santa, my birthday has somehow managed to come around again this year. As many of you and AARP know, this will be a major one for me. I won’t bore you with the exact number, but let’s just say you’d need several spreadsheets to do […]

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Four of My Five Shrinks Agree

So, I was minding my own business the other day, wondering how I could solve world peace while also appearing on the next season of The Bachelor when it hit me: I had 99 problems and stress was one. Right then and there, I started rubbing my neck with Ben Gay and Robitussin. Why Robitussin, […]

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Twitter Superstar

The day I was born, I looked over at my mama and said, “One day I want to go viral on Twitter. I don’t know how it’s going to happen or when, but I promise to eventually use Twitter to make you proud.” Perhaps the conversation didn’t exactly go that way. After all, I was […]

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Help! Has Anyone Seen My Brows?

The other day, I was minding my own business when I looked into the mirror and saw something very disturbing. I almost screamed. My eyebrows had grown so bushy that they looked like The Lion King reboot could have been filmed up there. If you listened closely enough, you could hear lions and tigers singing […]

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Becoming Michael

First of all, I’m sure you’ve probably heard the news about me filing that lawsuit against Michelle Obama for releasing her new book Becoming. It is truly unfortunate, but I can assure you it’s not my fault. It is no secret that I copyrighted the titles Becoming Michael and Becoming Michelle years ago. If she […]

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Goodbye Summer, Hello Dates!

It’s weird how we are in the first weeks of September, yet it feels like the end of something. Well, I guess it is the end of summer. Soon it will be the end of my day trips to the beach and the weather has already started to change. Kids are back in school, which […]

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Life Decisions and Lunch Meat

So, the other day I found myself standing in front of my refrigerator making life decisions. I’d spent the day before at a winery, and although I had managed to drink all the wine—like, I had some leftover snacks that looked a little sickly. Because I had been out in the sun for a few […]

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