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Confessions Of A Judgmental Apple Watch

Written By: Humor Mike - Nov• 22•20

Oh, it’s just my Apple Watch!

After years of putting it off while pretending to be financially responsible, I accidentally did what millions of my ancestors had done before me: I got an Apple Watch. Before you pass judgment, please know that I put years of thought into this purchase. I considered the pros and cons. I called my momma and my shrink to get their feedback. Once my attorney and my barber gave me their OK, I did what I had to do.

At first, I found it a bit difficult to justify the expense. I mean, I’m still trying to pay off the $5.00 I put on my Discover card back in 1982. Oh, and let’s not even talk about my student loans. Once I realized I wouldn’t be able to pay those off until I was at least 124, I went on and made the purchase. I just can’t wait that long. Once I get to be that age, I’ll probably be more concerned about my remote-controlled heart and my bionic legs.

Because I’ll still be amazingly handsome when I’m old, the watch should still look glorious on my shriveled, elderly arm. I could pull it off. Besides, I have to live a little because I’ll need some stories to share with my grandchildren and my grandfish. My life simply can’t be all about the Popeye’s chicken sandwich. I would like to at least pretend my life had a little bit of depth and purpose.

Instead of dusting off my stripper boots to make a down payment on the watch, I first asked my boss for a raise. When she declined, I asked my landlord if my rent could be waived for a month or two. Unfortunately, she claimed that an Apple Watch isn’t a necessary expense. She had a hard time understanding why my life choices should impact my ability to pay the rent on time. I respectfully agreed to disagree with her. She knows not what she does. It’s not her fault she wasn’t raised properly.

If I’m honest, I may have had to do a few strange thangs for change to get the watch, but at least 43% of those activities were legal. When it arrived, I knew I’d made the right decision. Putting it on made me instantly want to purchase a lifetime supply of stretchy yoga pants. I also had a sudden urge to make better life choices. Instead of having eight beers a day, I thought I could probably manage with just seven—probably. I no longer felt like I needed to order extra-large fries every day. A simple large should suffice as long as it comes with cheese, bacon, and ranch, of course.

What excited me most about the watch was having gentle encouragement to be more physically active. However, I didn’t count on the bullying and the shame that would come along with that. It reminded me of that time I joined the military, and the sergeants kept yelling at me for messing up the “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” choreography. That was a very low point in my life.

I knew the watch included activity monitors with move, exercise, and stand rings that would tell you how many calories you’ve burned, how much brisk activity you’ve completed, and how many times you’ve stood up though-out the day. Although I get out less frequently due to the pandemic, I still wanted to be less sedentary. I wanted to close all three rings every single day. Apple said the process would be “simple and fun.” Well, let me tell you two things the process was not: simple and fun. The experience was about as thrilling as that one time I got a prostate check, a pap smear, and an oil change from Walmart because they were offering a 3-for-1 sale.

Although it looks like I was off to a good start, I was behind.

While I expected that the watch would change my life, I didn’t expect it to be so forceful about it. If I sat down too long, I would get a notification to stand up. If I hadn’t moved around enough or exercised, it would start shaming me with alerts until I did so. At one point, the watch practically shook me by my shoulders and threatened, “If you don’t go jog or do a push-up or something, we’re going to have some serious problems.”

Just a gentle, shameful reminder that I have more work to do.

By day two I knew the drill. I kept my sweatpants ready so I could go out and do some brisk walking whenever the mood hit—or whenever the watch told me I had to. I even pulled out my old Just Dance Wii games to cut a rug and get things moving. There were a few times when I was so out of breath that I surely thought death would come for me. Although death never showed up, what did come was more “encouragement” from the watch letting me know it didn’t care whether I could breathe or that my arthritis in my left ear was acting up. It demanded that I keep moving regardless.

Well, I’m happy to say that I’ve been able to close all three rings a handful of times over the past few weeks. I get ecstatic when this happens, so I do what any normal person would do under the circumstances: I break out the vodka and chocolate cake to celebrate. On the days where I don’t close all the rings, I usually pat myself up with a bowl of ice cream and remind myself that no one is perfect before cutting myself two slices of pie.

After a while, the watch began ambushing me with new types of notifications. One morning it asked me to share my workout results with friends. I was appalled. One, I don’t have any friends that aren’t paid to be my friends. Two, I barely impress myself with my daily activity results. I certainly don’t want to share them with anyone else. Some of my “friends” have memberships to at least five different gyms. I can’t compete with that.

With all the focus on exercise, I almost forgot the watch could do anything else. I was shocked to learn that it can also display the time. Who knew? Oh, and the GPS has come in handy helping me find my way around my apartment. For some reason, my natural instincts guide me to the refrigerator, but they do not navigate me back to my couch. It’s really disappointing when you think about it.

My Apple Watch! Isn’t she lovely!!!!

If I’m honest, the watch is a tad bit bossy. The other day I went for a walk and I got a notification that read, “You’re walking pretty fast. Where you going? The liquor store again?” In another instance, it told me I had been in the bathroom too long, so it ordered premium suppositories for me through Amazon Prime. I didn’t even know it had access to my credit card information.

I thought long and hard about how to have a healthy, productive relationship with my Apple Watch. Accordingly, I eventually decided to turn off the notifications. I don’t need the watch to tell me what I’ve done and what I haven’t done. I know whether I’ve done my two jumping jacks for the day or not. I thought I was in the clear and free from judgment, but then my momma called. She immediately asked me if I’d done my exercise for the day. When I asked her why, she said, “Your watch called and told me to tell you to do some push-ups and a squat. Now!!!”

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: www.HumorMike.com
Facebook: michael.rochelle1
Instagram: HumorMike
Twitter: @mikeyllo

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