First of all, let me just go ahead and put it out there: The photo isn’t of me. I’ll admit that there are some similarities—especially around the eyes, but that picture is of Wilbur, my African Dwarf Frog, who I’ve mentioned a few times in the past. After watching the Victoria Secret fashion show the […]

In my opinion, there is nothing worse than being sick. Then again, now that I think about it, arriving at a Starbucks five minutes after it has closed for the day is pretty bad. Oh, and cold fries from McDonald’s certainly ranks up there on the list of horrible things too. And I guess I […]

Ladies and gentlemen, I have big news. Super big. Bigger than Michael Phelps winning his 99th gold medal in synchronized pole vaulting in London. Bigger than Mariah Carey beating me out by two and a half votes to become the next judge on “American Idol.??? And even bigger than that “Fifty Shades of Grey??? book. […]

So, the other day I’m sitting there, minding my own business, looking for something to watch on Netflix when I stumbled across a list of recommended movies and TV shows that were “popular with members like me.??? Intrigued, I found myself scrolling through the suggestions to see what Netflix thought it had learned about me […]

You’ll never guess what I did the other day. No, I didn’t win the National Senior Citizen Wet T-shirt contest again, but I did come in second place. Personally, I think I was robbed. I was the only one who didn’t require being hosed down with a mixture of water and Ben Gay to get […]

Before I get into all the usual shenanigans that you’ve come to love and expect from me, I have an announcement: Four score and seven years ago (which after doing a ton of statistical research, I found out was really just the equivalent of three years—apparently Lincoln had a flare for the dramatic), on May […]

Life is funny. If someone had tapped me on the shoulder a week ago and told me that I’d soon be back out on the job market again, I probably would have called the cops and then pressed charges. I would have more quickly believed that I’d won the Mega Millions jackpot even though I […]

So, have you ever woke up in the bathroom of a strange home, in nothing but your boxer briefs, so that you could throw up in front of an unidentified and slightly judgmental dog? No? Me either. But let’s just pretend I did for a quick moment, shall we? But remember, this is all hypothetical […]

Ok, so we’re five weeks into the new year and I’ve already betrayed all of my resolutions. For one, I’m eating like I’m 51 months pregnant. Just yesterday I went to both Popeye’s and Panda Express for dinner. Oh, and did I mention that I also went to Mrs. Fields for cookies afterward? And no, […]