Of course, there are a ton of people that I’d like to thank for helping to make this moment possible, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t start with one of the most important individuals in the entire process: me. That’s right. I went there. I mean, without me, none of this would’ve been possible, right? Just kidding. If there is anything that you should’ve learned about me over the past few years, it’s that I’m full of humility. However, if for some reason you want to pass on my story of success as a testament to all those people out there who have ever had a dream, by all means, be my guest. In fact, here’s a quote directly from me: If you believe it, you can achieve it. Dare to dream. Dream big. And Rome wasn’t built in a day. (I made those up just for you. Use accordingly.)
While I would like to think that the promotion was due to my hard work, dedication, and my ability to use a stapler correctly, I have to admit that I actually won the new role after drawing the longest straw during the 2012 Office Olympics. It was a good thing that they added that event this year because my manager totally kicked my butt on the balance beam, and his floor routine was simply flawless. Tens across the board. You should have seen him. But none of that matters, because in the end, it was the sport that I’d prepared for all my life that put me in 1st place. If there is anything that I’m proud to say I’ve mastered in my thirty-two years of life, it’s the art of drawing straws. I’m just glad they didn’t raffle off the new title like they typically do.
Now, while you may think that my super big promotion came with my very own assistant and a corner office with a view overlooking the local landfill, but that’s not exactly true—at least not yet. With the exception of the new duties, everything is pretty much the same. I sit in the same cube, with the same chair, and use the same hole puncher. In fact, I’m still the same exact height, although I could have sworn I requested a raise with my promotion. Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe my manager thought I meant a monetary raise instead of an increase in height. I guess that would explain why I had the extra funds to pay my rent AND keep the lights on without having to pull a bank heist last week.
Speaking of extra funds, I guess I should be honest and note that the ink was barely dry on the paperwork before I decided that it was time for me to accidentally renew my most-valuable-customer status at Kohl’s. I mean, if I’m going to be a staff accountant, I have to at least dress the part. That’s just Logic 101. And even though the staff welcomed me back with open arms, I set limits before stepping one foot into the store. No more than 15 new shirts. Anything more than that would have just been unreasonable. I’m no fool. After all, we’re still trying to recover from the recession. It would have been silly for me to have purchased a single shirt more than fifteen. Really, who needs sixteen new shirts all at once? The thought alone is just purely ridiculous.
Anyway, along with the new shirts, I’ve decided that it’s probably time to clear my head and adopt a whole new outlook on life as well. I mean, I’m a professional now, and I must act accordingly. If there was any form of pressure to sound smart before, that pressure has now been multiplied by 136. That noted, my new answer for everything is “yes” even when I have absolutely no idea what the other person is talking about. I’ve also found that starting any response with, “Well, according to the Emancipation Proclamation . . .” lends credibility to whatever topic you’re discussing—even if someone is simply asking you if they can borrow a pen. And if you can somehow manage to do it while using a British accent, that’s even better. You’ve basically passed go and collected $200.
Receiving the promotion has also caused me to take a closer look at my health and eating habits. I mean, have you ever heard of a staff accountant with high cholesterol? Because of this, I went to the gym the other day and used the elliptical machine for three whole minutes. I could have shot for four, but there was no need to overdo it, especially since no one else was there to witness my efforts. Besides, the three minutes did wonders. It was as if I could feel the cholesterol decreasing within my veins. What a great feeling!!! I may not go for the full four minutes next time, but I think I will step it up to at least three and a half.
In closing, because I believe in giving back to the community who helped make me the staff accountant that I am today, I will soon be embarking on a 58-city promotional tour to share my story of success with the world. I’ll probably do it one day knock out the whole tour while I’m on my lunch break one day next week. If things go well, I’ll probably be invited to be an opening act for the European leg of Rihanna’s “Talk That Talk” tour. I haven’t really worked out what I’ll say when I walk on stage to share my big news with a group of people who are solely there to hear music, but I’m thinking about starting with a knock-knock joke. Have you heard the one about the staff accountant who had a humor blog? No? Me neither.
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