Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

Tomorrow’s Not Promised, But Pimples May Be

Written By: Michael Rochelle - Nov• 29•09

It was a dark and stormy night. Actually, it really wasn’t stormy. The weather was perfect. The stormy part is just for effect. Just go with it. Umm, so, it was a dark and stormy night. I was minding my own business as I headed to my car after class. It was then that it happened. I had just crossed the street and was about to step onto the curb when a car began backing up toward me. My life flashed before my eyes as the car bore down on me at less than a half a mile an hour. At that moment, I thought about all my unfinished business, all the TV shows I’d miss, the fish I hadn’t fed, and that ham sandwich I’d left in the refrigerator. Most of all, if something happened to me, who would keep up with my blog? I had to do something. Fortunately, my survival instincts kicked in and, with seconds to spare, I stepped onto the curb and out of harms way. The woman—yes, it was a woman—rolled down her window and apologized for almost turning me into road kill. Thus, I’m here to add yet another chapter into the ongoing saga that is the life and times of Michael Rochelle.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been under attack by a force that has terrorized me for much of my adult life: acne. And we’re not talking just a blemish here and there. No, we’re talking a mutiny of pimples that are threatening to multiply and take over the world one citizen at a time. I’m serious. When people see me, they either quickly cover their children’s eyes or give them markers so that they can play connect the dots. Several clubs have even threatened to charge me for multiple admissions because of my new facial friends. Last week, a hospital asked me if I’d be so kind as to sign my zits in on the visitors log. Worst of all, I’ve gained like 10 pounds in pimples alone. Ok, maybe 10 pounds is exaggerating a little, but I can guarantee you at least 9 for sure.

The funny thing is that I don’t feel like I’m under any more stress than usual. I mean, the bill collectors aren’t calling any more frequently than they typically do, and so far I’ve held them off by offering them my mom’s and dad’s tickets to my upcoming graduation. I’ve even promised to immediately hand over any monetary gifts I receive that day. But, when I think about it, having acne isn’t all bad. If I’m ever attacked and I don’t have my mace or nunchucks on me, I can just yell, “Back off!” and aim a pimple at them. It’s very effective and it works against worrisome family members too. Test it out if you don’t believe me. The next time your mother corners you and tries to force you to wash dishes or take the trash out because you’re 38 and you need to learn some responsibility, just aim and squeeze! Twenty extra points if you get her in the eye.

Speaking of something getting in someone’s eye, I’ve recently seen several TV shows where a loved one had been cremated, and family members were saying their goodbyes by scattering ashes at the beach, in a field, or off the top of buildings with people watching below. It made me wonder if all that soot in the air is really smog. Maybe it’s really just Uncle Wilbur flying on his way to his final destination. There, it’s settled. From here on out, I’m not washing my car again. Who am I to rinse off Uncle Wilbur if he’s happy there? How selfish of me! Maybe he’s my guardian angel and that’s how he kinda hangs around. I don’t know this for a fact. I’m just saying.

And while we’re on the topic of washing, maybe we should no longer take showers either. As mentioned, showering could interrupt our bond with someone’s Uncle Wilbur or Aunt Myrtle, but choosing not to do so could also have other advantages. For myself, I like to shower with the music on. Most often I’m pretending that I’m not so much in the shower as I am preparing for my American Idol audition. Anyway, this one particular day I was doing the Michael Rochelle version of Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” when I could have sworn I heard something in the living room. I turned the music down for a moment and listened. Nothing. Without missing a beat, I began singing the bridge and was about to wow the crowd and graciously receive a standing ovation when I heard the noise a second time. Again, I turned the music down and heard nothing.

At this point, I assumed that maybe one of my neighbors was moving stuff around in their apartment. Although I know they pay rent and have the right to make a little noise every now and then, I didn’t appreciate them messing up my solo. I should really write a letter to the rental office or the mayor. Next time I think I’ll just call the police. Anyway, just as I began to sing yet a third time, I heard a voice yell, “Maintenance!” Slowly, I slid the shower curtain back enough for me to poke my head out and saw the source of the disturbance. A maintenance woman, and two guys from the gas and electric company were standing at the bathroom door! See, this is exactly why I need a house instead of an apartment. You just never know what intimate moments you’ll share with anyone who has access to a key. Initially I felt lucky that I hadn’t chosen a see-through shower curtain. Then again, since I’m still single, maybe if the shower curtain were see-through, I’d have a date tonight. Geez, I have the worse luck.

On a serious note, with the passing of Thanksgiving and my minor brush with death—even though the car would have had to have gunned it and knocked me into the street where I would have subsequently been hit by two trucks and parked on by a school bus—I’ve been thinking a lot about the things that I’m thankful for and enjoying them now while I have the chance. As we all know, tomorrow is not promised. In fact, the rest of the day isn’t promised. However, as opposed to thinking about this morbidly, why not use this fact as a spark to enjoy life a little more. Yes, I have acne. I went to bed last night with four zits and woke up with about twelve, but it could always be worse. I should be thankful that it’s just a few pimples that will eventually go away with the right combination of prescriptions and prayer as opposed to my having something more serious. Although the zits make me want to hide under the bed and cry a lot, based on some of the things other people are going through, they’re really no big deal. So what if people scream when they see me and quickly cross over to the other side of the street. It’s just a temporary condition and I can’t be arrested for it—again.

And as far as us not knowing what tomorrow holds, why not do or start planning to do the things you’ve always wanted to do today. If you’ve always wanted a degree in, say, the study of cheese steaks, why not jump online to see which schools have a program for that sort of thing and review the requirements for getting started. If you’ve always wanted a house because you’re tired of flashing the maintenance guy and him not reciprocating, start saving today in order to make that possible. And what if you wanted to be a model but you’re held back by a few blemishes? Well, until they go away, why not model your big toe or your left knee or something until you get the results you want? I hear ankles are very big in Germany—no pun intended. There’s no need to wait until the new year to start making changes in your life. If you start today, you’ll be well on your wait to seeing some sort of result tomorrow—unless you’re on acne medicine, then, supposedly, your time frame is about six to eight weeks.

Michael Rochelle
Access my full blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Access my website: http://www.justmichael.net

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One Comment

  1. Adonis Seldon says:

    Wassup Michael, happy holidays and BLAH BLAH BLAH, lol. Just in case you became roadkill, I would have gladly taken over your blog; of course w/o the relentless babble of an overwhelming pimple invasion. Drink plenty of water and cut back on excess oils in your food and you will be fine dude.

    Cute shower scene, and I know how you feel about the Maintenance people sneaking in pretending to check things out when they’re really a secret society of voyeurs! One note though, the cable guys are usually better looking- so if they come pass your place get the see through shower curtain!
    And good luck ambushing those pimples!

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