01.27.10

Confessions Of A College Graduate

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:26 pm by wmrj

It’s official. On January 10th, 2010, after 7 long years, I finally walked across the stage of a partially accredited university whose phone number I’d found on the wall of a Burger King bathroom and was handed a rolled up map disguised as my degree, patted on the back, and sent out into the world to be successful. Life is a very different place for college graduates. Suddenly you just want to use big words like “expeditious” at all times to prove that you actually earned your degree. “Yes mam, I’d like a number 6 super-sized with a Diet Coke. If you could handle that request expeditiously, I’d greatly appreciate it.” Yes, you get extra points if you can add an “ly” to the end to make a long word even longer. Also, because I’m a college graduate, I’ve decided that it’s important for me to always look the part. Thus, I’ve started wearing a pair of Harry Potter glasses, which immediately raised my IQ by at least 10 points. However, I think that I’m going to have to take off this cap and gown at some point. After the first week, it started to smell. By the end of the second week, even a can of Febreze couldn’t freshen me up. And honestly, it’s getting way to hard to shower without this tassel-thingy getting in the way. Good thing I’ve learned to pull it back into a ponytail.

One of the most disappointing things about being a college graduate is that you don’t get better service at stores and restaurants for being so. I asked the fry guy for hot fries and tried to justify my request by showing him my cap and gown photo and he showed me his class ring and then told me his degree was in molecular biology and traffic cone placement. Let’s just say I had to make due with the cold fries. And don’t even get me started about Wal-Mart. There are absolutely no checkout lines dedicated to college graduates. Apparently, all they care about is whether you have 15 items or less. The other customers are no better. They have absolutely no respect and appreciation for my degree. The other day, I politely said to this lady, “Excuse me mam, I see you have 2 items and I have like 40, but do you mind if I scoot on ahead of you? I’m a college graduate.” She just looked at me. That’s exactly what I’m talking about. No respect whatsoever.

Despite this, the experience hasn’t been a total disappointment. Honestly, I don’t know whether my parents, grandmother, or I enjoyed the ceremony more. In fact, I was shocked when they called my name and my mother knocked me out of the way so that she could walk across the stage in my place. Part of me was happy that this happened because she certainly got more applause than I did when I finally got to walk across the stage after she was escorted out of the building. It’s really amazing how many times a person can be tazered and still remain standing. I’m so proud of her. Now she’s an internet sensation on YouTube and in order for me to reach her, I have to talk to her publicist first. In that case, me saying I’m a college graduate does get me faster service than me just saying I’m her son. I have no idea why. Hopefully, at the next graduation program, the school will provide more security and run background and credit checks before admittance. You can’t just let anybody in these days. Then again, maybe it’s not there fault that they didn’t know that. After all, they are partially accredited.

Another awesome thing about the ceremony was the pictures my father took. The day before, I’d stopped by to show him how to use the camera. Of course, my mother didn’t need assistance. She had a one-time-use camera with 12 pictures left and figured that one or two pictures of my graduation would be more than enough in case anything more important came up. When it comes to rationing out pictures, my mother doesn’t play. In fact, on that same roll is a picture or two of my birth and at least five of the checkout girl at the beauty supply store. I can’t blame my mother though. The girl is nice and very photogenic. I’ll post pictures of her one day when my mom uses the remaining ten pictures. I figure that by the time I get married, have a couple kids, get a house, adopt a dog, release my book, and go on Oprah, that will probably be enough events for her to want to use up the rest of the roll and get the pictures developed. If not, we’ll just have to schedule some more life changing events. Maybe I could move to Iraq or something.

Anyway, I was so impressed by the pictures my father took. He didn’t get his thumb in any of the shots and even I make that mistake sometimes. You’re not going to believe this, but the photos he took with the lens cap off were even better. For those, I don’t have to pretend to know what was going on at that moment. “You see that black picture right there? If you turn off the lights and squint really hard, you’ll see me right there. You see me? I’m the one dropping it like it’s hot on the stage.” Oh, and my dad did get some great shots of one of some guy’s back who was sitting a few rows ahead of him. With those pictures I say, “Ok, you see that guy’s back right there? Just pretend he isn’t sitting there. Yup, that’s me snatching the microphone from the speaker and giving a shout out to Ray-Ray and Pookie and dem.” By the way, being a college graduate, I probably should no longer use words like “dem.” From now on, even though it may require a little more breath, I’m going to use the full word—them.

I’d also like to note that having a degree in English does not mean that you can handle mathematical calculations any better. For some reason, everyone has decided to stop using their calculators to ask me if I know what one plus six equals. After using my fingers and toes—and sometimes those of friend or random person nearby—I still draw a blank every time. And in case you were wondering, I may have a college degree, but I am certainly not “Smarter Than A 5th Grader” in any way, shape, or form. Also, being a college graduate doesn’t make you any better at shooting pool. I was in total shock when I lost my shirt and my new car to a four-year-old last week. I’m telling you, just because she wasn’t tall enough to see over the table, doesn’t mean she didn’t have skills. And between you and I, I’ve even gone so far as to stop calling it “pool” because “billiards” sounds so much smarter—and it’s even better when you say it with an English accent.

On a serious note, it was awesome to finally achieve that goal. The look of pride on my mom’s, dad’s, and grandmother’s faces that day was priceless. When I began that journey seven years ago, I had no idea that I’d enjoy the experience as much as I did and that I’d work so hard that I’d finish with a 3.849 on a 4.0 scale which enabled me to graduate with magna cum laude status (with great honor/praise). On top of that, two days later, even though we’re currently in the midst of hard times economically, I was offered an amazing opportunity with a new job in a new city that could bring me closer to my writing goals. Needless to say, this is a very good period for me and I’m looking forward to the road ahead. When I wrote, “New Year, New You” a few weeks ago, I had no idea just how true that concept would be for me.

What I’d like to do now is challenge you to stretch yourself a little bit so that you can grow as well. As I’ve asked a few times before, what is that one goal you’ve always wanted to accomplish? Have you ever wanted to go to or finish school? Is there another line of work or another opportunity within your current job that you’d be happier in? Do you sometimes want to order steak instead of chicken? No matter what your goals are, aren’t YOU worth taking a shot at them? A good friend told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to do new things because what’s meant for me is for me. The same is true for you. There is always room to learn something new. There is always the potential to do and be better. What are you waiting on? As I told my former co-workers on my last day before I journeyed on to the new venture, never, ever, ever forget your value. See how smart I am?!?!

Michael Rochelle
Access my full blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Access my website: http://www.justmichael.net

01.02.10

New Year, New You…Maybe

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:31 pm by wmrj

It’s a brand new year and I thought that we should start by going over the things we learned not to do this year that we’d done last year. Thanks to Tiger Woods, we learned that if you’re going to have an affair, it’s probably best not to leave your name on the voicemails or text messages that you leave your mistress. Thanks to his wife, Elin, we learned that golf clubs could be used to swing at things other than golf balls. I never liked golf and I was very ecstatic about this revelation. Thanks to David Letterman, we learned that if you’re going to have an affair, it’s best to admit it to your friends and family on national TV because it softens the blow. Thanks to Michael Jackson, we finally learned that drugs really aren’t good for you and you should probably just say no—even if the drugs are prescribed by a doctor. Thanks to Kanye West, we learned that you had better get approval from him before accepting any form of award or recognition. Trust me, I was pretty pissed when he showed up at my performance evaluation and told my supervisor that Beyonce deserved my raise more than I did. And lastly, we learned that if your husband, boyfriend, youngest son, or male dog brings you an espresso instead of the latte you asked for, it’s probably because “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Any questions?

Well, if anyone asks what I was doing as we exited the year 2009 and entered 2010, like most New Year’s, I was responsible. I didn’t spend it watching the ball drop, and I wasn’t safely nestled in a ditch somewhere under a pile of snow. Instead, I was sleeping. Like most 30-year-old senior citizens, I’d gone to bed around 8 o’clock. Fortunately, I’d left the TV on and some of the commotion from those who were popping champagne bottles woke me up at about 12:15 a.m. It was then that I decided to pop my own bottle—Mountain Dew. Unfortunately, due to my lack of time at the gym, I spent about 30 minutes trying to open it. However, the point is, I didn’t give up. And if I can open a stubborn soda bottle after a little struggle and a phone call to the manufacturer, maybe it’s a sign that this year I’ll be able to do anything I put my mind to with a little determination, perseverance, hard work, and prayer. Maybe all the years of being told that I can do anything I put my mind to weren’t lies after all.

On New Year’s, like myself, most people set resolutions as to what things they’ll do differently than they’d done in the past. Myself, I’ve tried being more punctual, to stop procrastinating, and to eat better. For a few days, I ate only carrots and kale, got to work 20 minutes early and watched movies the day they came out as opposed to waiting a few weeks to see them. Actually, I didn’t do any of that stuff, but I had intentions to. However, this year, I’ve decided that as opposed to setting up all these goals that I’ll never reach—because there is no way I’m giving up Starbucks, even if I do have to choose between getting a cup of coffee or a tank of gas—I’m just going to work on being a better person in general. My theory is that this goal alone will help me in all the other areas I struggle with. Thus, instead of saying fowl words, I’m now going to incorporate the word “douche” into my vocabulary because I like it. For example, “My neighbor is a douche.” Or, worst case scenario, “You’re a douchey person.” See, I feel better already.

Although I haven’t set any concrete resolutions for this year, I have been listening to some self-help books that have encouraged me to visualize my goals as if I’d already achieved them. Thus, because I’ve seen so many photos of writers on the back of their books, I’ve decided to take a few of my own that I’d like to appear on the back of my book when it’s released in July of 2083. The problem is, whereas other writers’ photos make them look smart and make it appear that they were born to write, my photos all look like I’m the type of person who needs to have his credit card run BEFORE any services are provided. The good thing is, since the book isn’t done yet, I have time to buy glasses and get a fake beard to help cement my status as an author. And maybe I’ll even change my first name to Doctor to add on some extra credibility. Yes, from now on, I’ll be Dr. Rochelle. Yes, that should do it.

Recently, I saw a question that asked if I were any superhero, which one would I be. Remember when you were a kid and you thought that Superman, and the Power Rangers, and Barney were like the best things since sliced tomatoes? Do you remember how it seemed that everything was possible back then? Well, everything except my getting good grades. My mother would look at my report card and say, “6 A’s, that’s impossible!” Besides that, it’s awesome to think back to a time when there weren’t any bills or responsibilities. I never thought about being a superhero back then, but if I could choose to be one now, I wouldn’t want to be able to fly or move mountains with a single wave of the hand. Instead, I’d rather be the Mighty Bill Payer, paying my own bills with the blink of an eye. There’d be no bill that I couldn’t manage. Car notes, rent, student loans, I’d just wave my hand and they’d all be gone. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m already a superhero. Thanks to my shredder, as soon as the bills come in, I simply insert them into the slot and they just disappear. Voila! It’s magic. Now, if I could just stop the bills from coming in the first place, that would be awesome.

Moving right along, this year, I’d like to work on maintaining a more positive perspective. It’s easy to let things get you down—like starting college seven years ago and finally graduating at a time when even Wal-Mart and McDonalds aren’t hiring. In fact, I’ve even been turned down for volunteer opportunities. Apparently, I’m not eligible to be a big brother or a big sister and the Salvation Army says they aren’t recruiting at this time, which sucks because I had a uniform and gun all picked out for my first day. Despite this, I do believe that with perseverance, things just work themselves out. If you majored in chewing gum manufacturing or needlepoint, somewhere there is someone looking for just your background. And if you want love but you’ve been single for an extended period of time, like 20 years, you have to believe that there is someone out there for you—even if they live in a cave and don’t have access to electricity, running water, and the internet so they haven’t seen the 139 online dating profiles you’ve created. There’s still reason to believe that maybe one day they will. Right?

And when someone flips you the bird on the highway and you have no idea why, don’t let that ruin your day. Instead, just smile and wave back. If necessary, while you’re smiling, I even give you permission to say, “Have a good day, Douche,” as you watch them ride off into the sunset while you continue riding 10 miles an hour in a 50-mile-per-hour zone with your high beams on. Maybe they had somewhere important to go to. Like a two-for-one sale on scented candles or something. Let’s do things differently in 2010. How about we start with the things that we wanted to do in 2009 but never quite got around to? Maybe we could smile and hug more…that is, unless you’re in a rough neighborhood. If that’s the case, I’d avoid smiling at all costs. And you definitely don’t want to hug. Trust me, I learned that lesson the hard way. I should have known that guy wasn’t in the mood for hugging by the frown and tattoos on his face. But hey, you win some and you lose some. At least I tried. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Right? I just hope that at some point he’ll give me back my wallet.

Michael Rochelle
Access my full blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Access my website: http://www.justmichael.net