Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

New Year, New You…Maybe

Written By: Humor Mike - Jan• 02•10

Itís a brand new year and I thought that we should start by going over the things we learned not to do this year that weíd done last year. Thanks to Tiger Woods, we learned that if youíre going to have an affair, itís probably best not to leave your name on the voicemails or text messages that you leave your mistress. Thanks to his wife, Elin, we learned that golf clubs could be used to swing at things other than golf balls. I never liked golf and I was very ecstatic about this revelation. Thanks to David Letterman, we learned that if youíre going to have an affair, itís best to admit it to your friends and family on national TV because it softens the blow. Thanks to Michael Jackson, we finally learned that drugs really arenít good for you and you should probably just say noóeven if the drugs are prescribed by a doctor. Thanks to Kanye West, we learned that you had better get approval from him before accepting any form of award or recognition. Trust me, I was pretty pissed when he showed up at my performance evaluation and told my supervisor that Beyonce deserved my raise more than I did. And lastly, we learned that if your husband, boyfriend, youngest son, or male dog brings you an espresso instead of the latte you asked for, itís probably because ďHeís Just Not That Into You.??? Any questions?

Well, if anyone asks what I was doing as we exited the year 2009 and entered 2010, like most New Yearís, I was responsible. I didnít spend it watching the ball drop, and I wasnít safely nestled in a ditch somewhere under a pile of snow. Instead, I was sleeping. Like most 30-year-old senior citizens, Iíd gone to bed around 8 oíclock. Fortunately, Iíd left the TV on and some of the commotion from those who were popping champagne bottles woke me up at about 12:15 a.m. It was then that I decided to pop my own bottleóMountain Dew. Unfortunately, due to my lack of time at the gym, I spent about 30 minutes trying to open it. However, the point is, I didnít give up. And if I can open a stubborn soda bottle after a little struggle and a phone call to the manufacturer, maybe itís a sign that this year Iíll be able to do anything I put my mind to with a little determination, perseverance, hard work, and prayer. Maybe all the years of being told that I can do anything I put my mind to werenít lies after all.

On New Yearís, like myself, most people set resolutions as to what things theyíll do differently than theyíd done in the past. Myself, Iíve tried being more punctual, to stop procrastinating, and to eat better. For a few days, I ate only carrots and kale, got to work 20 minutes early and watched movies the day they came out as opposed to waiting a few weeks to see them. Actually, I didnít do any of that stuff, but I had intentions to. However, this year, Iíve decided that as opposed to setting up all these goals that Iíll never reachóbecause there is no way Iím giving up Starbucks, even if I do have to choose between getting a cup of coffee or a tank of gasóIím just going to work on being a better person in general. My theory is that this goal alone will help me in all the other areas I struggle with. Thus, instead of saying fowl words, Iím now going to incorporate the word ďdouche??? into my vocabulary because I like it. For example, ďMy neighbor is a douche.??? Or, worst case scenario, ďYouíre a douchey person.??? See, I feel better already.

Although I havenít set any concrete resolutions for this year, I have been listening to some self-help books that have encouraged me to visualize my goals as if Iíd already achieved them. Thus, because Iíve seen so many photos of writers on the back of their books, Iíve decided to take a few of my own that Iíd like to appear on the back of my book when itís released in July of 2083. The problem is, whereas other writersí photos make them look smart and make it appear that they were born to write, my photos all look like Iím the type of person who needs to have his credit card run BEFORE any services are provided. The good thing is, since the book isnít done yet, I have time to buy glasses and get a fake beard to help cement my status as an author. And maybe Iíll even change my first name to Doctor to add on some extra credibility. Yes, from now on, Iíll be Dr. Rochelle. Yes, that should do it.

Recently, I saw a question that asked if I were any superhero, which one would I be. Remember when you were a kid and you thought that Superman, and the Power Rangers, and Barney were like the best things since sliced tomatoes? Do you remember how it seemed that everything was possible back then? Well, everything except my getting good grades. My mother would look at my report card and say, ď6 Aís, thatís impossible!??? Besides that, itís awesome to think back to a time when there werenít any bills or responsibilities. I never thought about being a superhero back then, but if I could choose to be one now, I wouldnít want to be able to fly or move mountains with a single wave of the hand. Instead, Iíd rather be the Mighty Bill Payer, paying my own bills with the blink of an eye. Thereíd be no bill that I couldnít manage. Car notes, rent, student loans, Iíd just wave my hand and theyíd all be gone. Actually, now that I think about it, Iím already a superhero. Thanks to my shredder, as soon as the bills come in, I simply insert them into the slot and they just disappear. Voila! Itís magic. Now, if I could just stop the bills from coming in the first place, that would be awesome.

Moving right along, this year, Iíd like to work on maintaining a more positive perspective. Itís easy to let things get you downólike starting college seven years ago and finally graduating at a time when even Wal-Mart and McDonalds arenít hiring. In fact, Iíve even been turned down for volunteer opportunities. Apparently, Iím not eligible to be a big brother or a big sister and the Salvation Army says they arenít recruiting at this time, which sucks because I had a uniform and gun all picked out for my first day. Despite this, I do believe that with perseverance, things just work themselves out. If you majored in chewing gum manufacturing or needlepoint, somewhere there is someone looking for just your background. And if you want love but youíve been single for an extended period of time, like 20 years, you have to believe that there is someone out there for youóeven if they live in a cave and donít have access to electricity, running water, and the internet so they havenít seen the 139 online dating profiles youíve created. Thereís still reason to believe that maybe one day they will. Right?

And when someone flips you the bird on the highway and you have no idea why, donít let that ruin your day. Instead, just smile and wave back. If necessary, while youíre smiling, I even give you permission to say, ďHave a good day, Douche,??? as you watch them ride off into the sunset while you continue riding 10 miles an hour in a 50-mile-per-hour zone with your high beams on. Maybe they had somewhere important to go to. Like a two-for-one sale on scented candles or something. Letís do things differently in 2010. How about we start with the things that we wanted to do in 2009 but never quite got around to? Maybe we could smile and hug moreÖthat is, unless youíre in a rough neighborhood. If thatís the case, Iíd avoid smiling at all costs. And you definitely donít want to hug. Trust me, I learned that lesson the hard way. I should have known that guy wasnít in the mood for hugging by the frown and tattoos on his face. But hey, you win some and you lose some. At least I tried. And at the end of the day, thatís all that matters. Right? I just hope that at some point heíll give me back my wallet.

Michael Rochelle
Access my full blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Access my website: http://www.justmichael.net

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