Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

New Year, New You…Maybe

Written By: Humor Mike - Jan• 02•10

It’s a brand new year and I thought that we should start by going over the things we learned not to do this year that we’d done last year. Thanks to Tiger Woods, we learned that if you’re going to have an affair, it’s probably best not to leave your name on the voicemails or text messages that you leave your mistress. Thanks to his wife, Elin, we learned that golf clubs could be used to swing at things other than golf balls. I never liked golf and I was very ecstatic about this revelation. Thanks to David Letterman, we learned that if you’re going to have an affair, it’s best to admit it to your friends and family on national TV because it softens the blow. Thanks to Michael Jackson, we finally learned that drugs really aren’t good for you and you should probably just say no—even if the drugs are prescribed by a doctor. Thanks to Kanye West, we learned that you had better get approval from him before accepting any form of award or recognition. Trust me, I was pretty pissed when he showed up at my performance evaluation and told my supervisor that Beyonce deserved my raise more than I did. And lastly, we learned that if your husband, boyfriend, youngest son, or male dog brings you an espresso instead of the latte you asked for, it’s probably because “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Any questions?

Well, if anyone asks what I was doing as we exited the year 2009 and entered 2010, like most New Year’s, I was responsible. I didn’t spend it watching the ball drop, and I wasn’t safely nestled in a ditch somewhere under a pile of snow. Instead, I was sleeping. Like most 30-year-old senior citizens, I’d gone to bed around 8 o’clock. Fortunately, I’d left the TV on and some of the commotion from those who were popping champagne bottles woke me up at about 12:15 a.m. It was then that I decided to pop my own bottle—Mountain Dew. Unfortunately, due to my lack of time at the gym, I spent about 30 minutes trying to open it. However, the point is, I didn’t give up. And if I can open a stubborn soda bottle after a little struggle and a phone call to the manufacturer, maybe it’s a sign that this year I’ll be able to do anything I put my mind to with a little determination, perseverance, hard work, and prayer. Maybe all the years of being told that I can do anything I put my mind to weren’t lies after all.

On New Year’s, like myself, most people set resolutions as to what things they’ll do differently than they’d done in the past. Myself, I’ve tried being more punctual, to stop procrastinating, and to eat better. For a few days, I ate only carrots and kale, got to work 20 minutes early and watched movies the day they came out as opposed to waiting a few weeks to see them. Actually, I didn’t do any of that stuff, but I had intentions to. However, this year, I’ve decided that as opposed to setting up all these goals that I’ll never reach—because there is no way I’m giving up Starbucks, even if I do have to choose between getting a cup of coffee or a tank of gas—I’m just going to work on being a better person in general. My theory is that this goal alone will help me in all the other areas I struggle with. Thus, instead of saying fowl words, I’m now going to incorporate the word “douche” into my vocabulary because I like it. For example, “My neighbor is a douche.” Or, worst case scenario, “You’re a douchey person.” See, I feel better already.

Although I haven’t set any concrete resolutions for this year, I have been listening to some self-help books that have encouraged me to visualize my goals as if I’d already achieved them. Thus, because I’ve seen so many photos of writers on the back of their books, I’ve decided to take a few of my own that I’d like to appear on the back of my book when it’s released in July of 2083. The problem is, whereas other writers’ photos make them look smart and make it appear that they were born to write, my photos all look like I’m the type of person who needs to have his credit card run BEFORE any services are provided. The good thing is, since the book isn’t done yet, I have time to buy glasses and get a fake beard to help cement my status as an author. And maybe I’ll even change my first name to Doctor to add on some extra credibility. Yes, from now on, I’ll be Dr. Rochelle. Yes, that should do it.

Recently, I saw a question that asked if I were any superhero, which one would I be. Remember when you were a kid and you thought that Superman, and the Power Rangers, and Barney were like the best things since sliced tomatoes? Do you remember how it seemed that everything was possible back then? Well, everything except my getting good grades. My mother would look at my report card and say, “6 A’s, that’s impossible!” Besides that, it’s awesome to think back to a time when there weren’t any bills or responsibilities. I never thought about being a superhero back then, but if I could choose to be one now, I wouldn’t want to be able to fly or move mountains with a single wave of the hand. Instead, I’d rather be the Mighty Bill Payer, paying my own bills with the blink of an eye. There’d be no bill that I couldn’t manage. Car notes, rent, student loans, I’d just wave my hand and they’d all be gone. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m already a superhero. Thanks to my shredder, as soon as the bills come in, I simply insert them into the slot and they just disappear. Voila! It’s magic. Now, if I could just stop the bills from coming in the first place, that would be awesome.

Moving right along, this year, I’d like to work on maintaining a more positive perspective. It’s easy to let things get you down—like starting college seven years ago and finally graduating at a time when even Wal-Mart and McDonalds aren’t hiring. In fact, I’ve even been turned down for volunteer opportunities. Apparently, I’m not eligible to be a big brother or a big sister and the Salvation Army says they aren’t recruiting at this time, which sucks because I had a uniform and gun all picked out for my first day. Despite this, I do believe that with perseverance, things just work themselves out. If you majored in chewing gum manufacturing or needlepoint, somewhere there is someone looking for just your background. And if you want love but you’ve been single for an extended period of time, like 20 years, you have to believe that there is someone out there for you—even if they live in a cave and don’t have access to electricity, running water, and the internet so they haven’t seen the 139 online dating profiles you’ve created. There’s still reason to believe that maybe one day they will. Right?

And when someone flips you the bird on the highway and you have no idea why, don’t let that ruin your day. Instead, just smile and wave back. If necessary, while you’re smiling, I even give you permission to say, “Have a good day, Douche,” as you watch them ride off into the sunset while you continue riding 10 miles an hour in a 50-mile-per-hour zone with your high beams on. Maybe they had somewhere important to go to. Like a two-for-one sale on scented candles or something. Let’s do things differently in 2010. How about we start with the things that we wanted to do in 2009 but never quite got around to? Maybe we could smile and hug more…that is, unless you’re in a rough neighborhood. If that’s the case, I’d avoid smiling at all costs. And you definitely don’t want to hug. Trust me, I learned that lesson the hard way. I should have known that guy wasn’t in the mood for hugging by the frown and tattoos on his face. But hey, you win some and you lose some. At least I tried. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Right? I just hope that at some point he’ll give me back my wallet.

Michael Rochelle
Access my full blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Access my website: http://www.justmichael.net

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