Hypothetically Speaking . . .

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Filters and Fashion Nova Grandpas

Written By: Humor Mike - Nov• 04•18

Fashion Nova Grandpas Model

OK, so the word is out. Iím officially 39. If you do the math, that means this time next year Iíll be 40. Wait…let me double check those numbers. Carry the 3. Add a 9. Subtract 5. Yup, 40. But letís not get ahead of ourselves. 40 may be coming for me faster than Michael Meyers in a horror movie, but itís not exactly here just yet. Iím going to enjoy these last days of my 30s the same way people enjoy fresh chicken at a buffet.

Over the past few weeks, Iíve been challenged about my age. Some of my alleged friends claim that I turned 39 several years ago. However, Dear Readers, Iím here to tell you not to listen to them. Most of my two friends are felons, so they shouldnít be trusted. Govern yourselves accordingly.

People have been asking what I did for my birthday. My therapist said that it was ok for me to share that I spent most of the day crying in my closet. This wasnít because I was depressed. No, I take handfuls of pills for that. Instead, Iíd decided to take my car to the mechanic because I had a coupon for a $25 maintenance checkup and a free T-shirt, but they found $900 worth of crap wrong with my Pinto.

According to the mechanic, after he shared the news, I passed out and landed in a pool of oil. That would certainly explain the knot I found on the side of my forehead when I came to. I was actually happy to learn that the puddle was used motor oil instead of being the result of my having had an accident on myself at the shopóagain. The last time my urine was that dark, I ended up in the hospital for two weeks due to severe dehydration. With a $900 mechanic bill to take care of, I certainly had no funds left over to pay for a hospital visit.

I tried to bargain with the mechanic, but my skills of persuasion may have been a tad bit rusty. He shook his head ferociously and informed me that if I didnít have the work done, I would lose my transmission before I made it out of the parking lot. It was then that I pulled out a single dollar bill and asked if that would change his mind on the diagnosis. He shook his head in disgust.

Since he was playing hardball, I knew I would have to break out the big guns. I slowly started to sway side to side and wiggled my way out of my jacket. If Michael couldnít talk the price down, maybe a dance routine from my stripper alter ego, Caramel Macchiato Thunder, would change his mind. I think he was into it until I snatched his wrench from his toolkit and waived it in the air. If it wasnít the wrench thing, it could have been the lap dance that sent things over the edge. Iím not sure. Either way, he threw up on his shirt a few times and raised the price by $200.

Because of the unexpected repair cost, I was forced to think small for my birthday. Instead of taking a road trip, I spent the day doing laundry and repotting my houseplants. I would later learn that my plants had actually been happy with their original soil. After the change, all of them died except Gertrude and Ricky, who are both now hanging on by a leaf. Sometimes itís just best to leave things alone. My heart was in the right place though.

In addition to murdering my plants and laundering my clothes, I decided to go wild and crazy and mop my floors. I even dug in the back of the cabinet and pulled out the good Pine-Sol. I mean, you only turn 39 once. If anybody was worthy of having clean floors, it was me the birthday boy. Sure, I may have been broke, but that didnít mean I couldnít have a little fun with my mop. I did a dance number with it as if I were Fred Astaire or Michael Jackson. You should have seen me.

The thing I have learned about being 39 is that I should probably take things a little slower than I used to. In my 20s, I used to be able to drop it like it was hot on demand, but now I need to lower it with some prayer, planning and Aspirin on deck. I can never be sure whether my knees or my back are going to go with the flow or not. Itís like they have a mind of their own, and they do what they want to do when they want to do it. I have absolutely no say in the matter.

Although my car repair did wipe out my entire 401K fund, I did manage to treat myself to an iPad. From my perspective, I consider it a business need. After all, Iím allegedly a writer and I need gadgets to keep me connected to my two readers. Unfortunately, the iPad came with a camera that made my pics a lot less flattering than I thought they should be. It wasnít long before I realized that it wasnít the camera; instead, the photos were showing what I look like at 39!

Filters Applied

The iPad photos made me scream and run around my apartment as if my hair was on fire. So many thoughts ran through my head. I mean, what if I went to jail for a really good cause and had my mugshot taken with an iPad camera? There was no way Iíd look like the hot felon without a couple filters. Or, what if I finally decided to take the leap and market myself on Match.com or KindaChristianMingles? I would definitely have to invest in Photoshopóand then have my Photoshopped pictures Photoshopped.

Fortunately, it wasnít long before I learned that my fears were all in my head, which was exactly what my team of shrinks had said. Within minutes of me posting my picture on Instagram, Fashion Nova contacted me and asked if Iíd be available to model for their new Grandpa line. I was ecstatic about the offer. It made me realize that, although Iím officially a senior citizen, life isnít exactly over for me just yet. I mean, I have at least two more good years ahead of me. Thatís more than enough to accomplish a thing or two before Michael Meyers catches up with me.

That noted, with my remaining two years, I set a few goals for myself. First, Iím going to be the biggest Fashion Nova model ever. Years from now, people will talk about how Naomi Campbell, Tyson Beckford, Cindy Crawford and I changed the game. I can promise you that I wonít let my Fashion Nova Grandpa model status go to my head. After all, I will always be the handsome, smart, talented, incredible, fabulous, amazing, and humble person youíve come to know and love. That will never change.

Second, Iíve always wanted to learn a second language, so Iíve officially decided that I will learn English over the next year. I mean, who knows what the future is going to hold! From my perspective, maybe being fluent in English may be helpful somewhere down the line. Hell, at some point it may even be required. In any case, itís on my to-do list.

Third, a few magazines Iíve read recommended that I try something that seems impossible. That noted, Iíve set a goal for myself to make it to work on time at least once over the next year. Granted, I know that there are other more realistic goals that I could set for myself. Perhaps running a 5K or climbing Mount Everest would be more reasonable, but I believe that if I set my mind to it, I can absolutely make it to work within an hour of my official start time, which I consider to be on time. At least Iíll try.

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: http://www.humormike.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1
Instagram: humor_mike_
Twitter: @mikeyllo

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