While I’m being honest, I can admit that it’s not completely unheard of for me to be walking through the mall and overhear someone asking, “Is that Denzel Washington?” or “Isn’t that David Beckham?” I can understand the confusion. Sometimes I get confused myself. I leave the house every morning not knowing whether to head to a corporate office or to a movie set. That’s exactly why I never correct my fans when they confuse me with Channing Tatum or Matthew McConaughey. I graciously sign the autographs, pose for the pictures, and kiss a few babies in the process. Hey, it’s all in a day’s work. In my opinion, it’s a compliment to Denzel for someone to think he looks like me. I’m sure he’s honored.
On the other hand, one place I never expect to get compliments is at the dentist office. They usually just take one quick glance at my teeth and advise that I have them all pulled so that I can start fresh. Apparently, dentures and bridges are all the rage this year, and you can even use them to do party tricks. Not to mention that you can wear them with anything. That blue sweater in the back of your closet? Yup, your dentures will go with it perfectly.
Shortly after I arrived in the lobby and signed in for my appointment, I wondered if it was too late for me to call in and cancel. I mean, it wasn’t like they could charge me for being a no-show. I had shown. I just wouldn’t stay for the drilling. Besides, I was in no mood for a teeth cleaning. I’d just had one a year and a half ago. If I wanted someone to come at me with sharp objects that could possibly kill me, I’d take my chances in prison—which is way safer than some dentist offices.
Just as I whipped out my iPhone to call in sick, I saw a sign that read, “No Cellphones Allowed.” Crap!!! What would James Bond do? The only option left was to bolt towards the door. Unfortunately, that’s when I noticed that the female receptionist looked as if she was ready to fill in for any one of the linebackers at the Super Bowl! Even if I made it out of the lobby, there was no way I’d make it to my car. She’d tackle me and then take my teeth with her. It simply wasn’t worth the risk.
I decided then and there to man up and get it over with. I’m sure other people had gotten teeth cleanings before and lived to tell the story. The real incentive came when I remembered that I’d get a Barney toothbrush after the whole ordeal was over. The hygienist would just have to put me to sleep and move forward with the cleaning as scheduled. It was the only way we’d both make it out alive.
I was barely in the chair before the judgmental questions started. “How often do you floss?” she asked. I responded, “When you think about it, Mrs. Hygienist, how often does anyone really floss?” She frowned and then scribbled something on my chart. I failed the follow-up questions just as miserably. No, I don’t gargle with ACT. No, I don’t always brush before bed. And, yes, I’m happy that Tierra finally got sent home on this week’s episode of “The Bachelor.”
When the actual cleaning finally began, the strangest thing happened. I was laying there with my mouth wide open, gripping the armrests as my gums were being assaulted, when the hygienist began making small talk right in the middle of me taking a mental picture of her facial features so that I could provide an accurate description for the police sketch when I’d file a complaint later. Out of nowhere, the following conversation took place:
“Michael, it’s a real pleasure to work on your mouth,” said the dental hygienist.
“Are you hitting on me, Mrs. Dental Hygienist? I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to talk to me that way in the state of Maryland,” I replied.
“Your mouth is just so convenient.”
“Convenient? Are you trying to say I have a big mouth?” I asked. I was shocked and appalled.
“I’m just saying that your mouth provides easy access. Everything is just right out there in the open. I’ve had a long week of small mouths, so your mouth is a wonderful change,”
As opposed to being offended, I decided to take it as a compliment. Apparently the dental community thinks I have a big, accessible mouth, which really comes in handy when you’re used to using your mouth as a foot warmer. I couldn’t have been more proud. Six hours later, when she was done using the chisel and the power sander on one of my front teeth, I told her that she could use the handsaw on my choppers anytime. I then signed an autograph for her, “Sincerely, Denzel Washington.”
In closing, on a totally unrelated note, I’ve heard a rumor that I have some readers who haven’t left comments simply because we don’t know each other personally, or because they don’t want me to know that they have a huge crush on me and want me to be the mother of their children. Well, maybe I don’t say it enough, but I love getting comments and they are highly encouraged. In fact, the more comments and feedback I get, the more I know that you’re reading, which then makes me write more. So don’t be frightened to comment or say hello. I truly appreciate it when you do!
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