Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

The Real Me (We R Who We R)

Written By: Humor Mike - Mar• 14•11

After much thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that I must have multiple personalities. Although my team of therapists have not yet confirmed or denied whether they agree with my theory or not, that would be the only logical explanation as to why one minute I aspire to take over the world, and the next minute I’d like to just sit back and watch TV for the rest of my life. Honestly, I have the best of intentions to go home after work and knock out a few chapters of homework, but then I notice that the news is on and it’s my duty as an American to keep up with what’s going on in the world. I take that duty very seriously. I mean, what if there’s a burglar heading straight for my apartment and I miss the warning because I was too busy doing homework? And what if that burglar steals the homework I’d been working so hard on? Then what?

Because of this realization of my having multiple personalities, I had to wonder, which me is the real me? Is the real me the one who plans to get up an extra hour early every morning to do the P90X exercises, or is the real me the one that bought the Wii Fit two years ago that I have yet to open? Did I mention that I also bought the Zumba exercise game a month ago because I was so sure that I’d be Zumbaing across my living room all day, every day? The problem is it’s still in the plastic. Oh, and Billy Blanks would be so disappointed if he learned that his Tae Bo DVDs sat on my shelf for over 4 years while I geared myself up for his boot camp. Hopefully, he doesn’t read this blog. I would really hate to upset him. I could just imagine him putting me in a headlock and demanding that I drop down and give him 20. Of course, I’d respond, “I hope you mean $20, and not 20 push-ups.”

Seriously though, I really have to step my game up. Remember how I promised that I was going to do a blog entry every month? Well, did you notice that I missed the month of February? Granted, February only had 28 days, but throughout the whole month, I didn’t take 3 measly hours to provide an update for my 4½ readers. The nerve of me! And what about the novel that I started writing 55 years ago? I’m still just on page 283—and that’s only because I made my font REALLY big and used a lot of line spaces throughout. If I reduced the words down to a normal sized font, I’d probably have the equivalent of a sentence that reads, “See Spot run.”

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to have to sit the Michael Rochelle that has all the aspirations down so that he can have a talk with the Michael Rochelle who wants to watch “Wendy Williams” all day. They are going to have to reach some sort of compromise where neither of them will get what they really want, but both will end up with something doable. Instead of my being the first person to win both “Dancing with the Stars” and “American Idol” in the same year, maybe I’ll just do some local street-corner performances instead. Wish me and me luck on reaching a happy medium. I am rarely ever wrong except for all the many times that I am, so I may need a referee that won’t let me get me.

In other news, I recently decided to upgrade the living conditions of my fish. Apparently, they’d heard the theme song for “The Jeffersons” the other day and they wanted their own “deluxe apartment in the sky.” So, instead of having all four of them swimming around in an 8-ounce coffee cup, I bought them a 5-gallon aquarium, which made them really happy, if I may say so myself. Actually, since I’ve moved them out of the coffee cup, not once have I accidentally added cream and sugar to their water. Oh, and I’ve certainly stopped putting them in the microwave first thing in the morning after spooning in some Folgers. I’ve lost so many fish that way. Hmmm.

In any case, the fish are doing well in their new home. They call it the penthouse. I tried to talk them out of it, but they insisted. They said it was a fish thing and I should just mind my business. Anyway, it was the first aquarium I’d had with a real filtration system to help keep the water clean. Well, when I plugged it in, the fish and I got the shock of our lives as the filter system began shooting the fish across the tank like missiles. This went on for a little while until I got tired of hearing the thump of a fish hitting the glass as it was launched from one side of the tank to the other. Since I’ve fixed that issue, it’s been smooth swimming ever since. And before you start judging me and reporting me to PETA, I’d like to point out that only one fish was injured in the process of using the new filter, but I did successfully Super Glue his tail back on, and he’s just fine.

Speaking of just fine, something that hasn’t been just fine lately is my moustache. Although I’m at least 152 in dog years, I still haven’t mastered the fine art of trimming my moustache properly. I blame my mother for this. Of all the things she taught me, she somehow skipped the lesson on shaving. I have no idea why. Because of this, some days my moustache looks like there’s a caterpillar, and other days it looks as though I drew a check mark or a squiggly line above my lip like the one that sits on Charlie Brown’s forehead. The worse part about messing up your moustache is that the only option is to shave it off and start again, which makes me look like I’m in the fourth grade. Unfortunately, once you’ve shaved half of it, you can’t just run out and get a weave or extensions to fill in the bald spots above your top lip. Actually, you can, but it doesn’t look natural. Believe me. I’ve tried it.

The point of all this, and I do have a point, is whether you exercise every day or whether you buy every fitness DVD and use them as saucers, as Kesha would say, We R Who We R. There is nothing wrong with growing a caterpillar or a dreadlock moustache if you so desire. If you’re 40 pounds or 400 pounds, you’re special gosh darn it. Flaunt it! And just because you’re a fish, that doesn’t mean you have to swim. Maybe you want to fly like my fish do whenever the filter chooses to let them soar. Regardless of the circumstances or what anybody else thinks or feels, just be happy with who or what you are. So what if you’re dad wanted you to be a lawyer and you failed him miserably by only becoming a doctor. Look around you. Everyone else and their multiple personalities are living their lives and doing whatever they want to do. That noted, why shouldn’t you and your multiple personalities do the same? Why can’t we be free to be the real you’s and me’s?

Michael Rochelle
Access my full blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Access my website: http://www.justmichael.net
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One Comment

  1. Liliana says:

    I’m 100% with you! My Hubby grew a beard one time because his face was brkoen out from a new medication. I seriously think we had more marital fights during that time! Although, I must admit, he’s been sporting the Ryan Seacrest stubble a bit lately and I don’t completely hate it.Wow, those before & after pics of Brad are unreal! From one end of the spectrum to the other!!!

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