When I turned twelve plus three plus ten plus five the other week, I took myself to Atlantic City. In my opinion, you don’t just turn twelve plus three plus ten plus five without doing something big to celebrate that milestone. You don’t just go to work or school as if it’s just another day in the neighborhood. It’s not. It means you’ve lived three decades and are working towards a forth. What I didn’t expect was the reaction I got from people when I’d said I had gone by myself. It was as if I’d said I had been attacked by a ferret wearing a trench coat and leather pumps. You should have seen the look of shock on everyone’s face whom I told. Just imagine the scene in any horror movie where the star is finally cornered by the killer. Yeah, their faces kinda looked like that.
Next, they ask why I would do such a thing and how could I possibly have fun by myself. Well, at this age, people have responsibilities, so it’s not so easy to coordinate trips when people have to request days off from their jobs, and request time off from their spouses, and request time off from their boyfriends/girlfriends on the side, and still beat their children on a regular basis. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been turned down with this line, “Oh, no, Michael, I’m sorry. I can’t do Friday. I have to whip Little Davey that night. He just turned two and I can’t miss out on that.???
I enjoy my own company. For me, being single is not some form of affliction for which I should be quarantined or taken out back and shot. I like doing the things that I want to do at my own pace. Trying to coordinate other people’s schedules and likes and dislikes with yours can kinda put a damper on spontaneity. For example, when I got highly frustrated and began going into convulsions because I’d lost $40 in a slot machine, I was able to immediately run screaming out of the building to the nearest clothing store and bought some shirts to calm me down. I didn’t have to explain that change of plans to anyone. That’s what I call freedom. And when I went to the Absecon Lighthouse and struck up a conversation with 69-year-old Bayard, there was no one there to ridicule me for somehow finding the other oldest person in the world besides myself—whose birthday was the same day as mine—and striking up a conversation with him for hours as we talked about the good old days. And if anyone can talk about what life was like during the 1820’s or the Great Depression, it’s me.
Despite the fun times I have as a single person, there are some things you should know if you happen to be a loner. For instance, some restaurants will not let you have a table or a booth when you are just a party of one. Instead, they may force you to sit at the bar, or at the counter where they take money, or—if they really feel bad for you—in one of the stalls in the restroom. If you are fortunate enough to sit at the counter, don’t be surprised if people slide your plate over a bit so that they can use your space to set their purses and wallets down while they pay. One time, someone even asked to have a taste of my fries. It was the least I could do.
Also, when you sit at the counter or bar with the other random relationship-impaired rejects, the people on either side of you will inevitably have some form of cough. And it won’t be just a simple, one-time cough. It will be one of those whooping coughs from deep within that makes you cover your food from unidentified flying particles and forces you to wonder if you’ll go to jail or be sued for not performing CPR if the person doesn’t recover and starts to turn blue. You’ll then look at all the empty tables that the establishment won’t let you have and you’ll wonder if you can take them to court for discrimination or at least tell your momma on them.
In order to avoid all this drama, you could grab some random stranger or homeless person out front and ask them to join you. At that point, the establishment will have to seat you at a table and the waiter won’t be able to say in the loudest voice possible, “We have a party of one!??? Of course, you might then be asked to pay for your new friend’s food too, so I would first ask the greeter if the voices in your head or your multiple personalities count towards the number of people in your group before rounding up a posse and doing a meet and greet with strangers outside the restaurant, but that’s just me.
If the establishment does allow you to be seated at a table by yourself, it will either be by the restroom where you’ll be exposed to various aromas each time someone enters or exits, or you’ll be seated in the center of the room where all the patrons can observe you in your full glory. When this happens, I automatically open a packet of mayonnaise and smear it on the sides of my face just to get it over with. Since you’re single, that type of embarrassing stuff is going to happen to you anyway where you’ll walk around all day not knowing that you’ve got ketchup on your forehead or spinach in your ear. Either you can be proactive and do it yourself, or you can wait for it to happen naturally. But don’t kid yourself into thinking you can be neat. It is going to happen.
Lastly, no matter how lonely you are or how good and comforting they look, DO NOT EAT THE PEANUTS OR PRETZELS FROM THE BOWLS AT THE BAR! Yuck! Just don’t do it. Save yourself the doctor’s office visit unless you need a couple days off from work and don’t mind having a near-death encounter to justify it. And don’t think it’s sexy to roll a peanut around on your chin, down your neck, across your chest, and into your lap. Trust me. It’s not. And it may even get you thrown out of the restaurant. Now, I don’t know this from personal experience, but it has happened to me a couple of times.
In my opinion, it’s important to keep your own personal comfort level in mind when you’re single and stick with it. Don’t let people scare you away from doing the things you want to do and enjoying life because you don’t have a plus one. In addition to having bad breath, low personal hygiene, and a horrid personality, not being out and about could be another reason as to why you aren’t meeting people. If you’re comfortable going to the movies alone, by all means, go. If you don’t have a problem getting dressed up and taking yourself out on a date to a fancy restaurant alone, then do so. Don’t let other peoples inhibitions cage you as well. Don’t wait until you find someone else whose schedule aligns with yours or until you find your soul mate before you start living. Now is the perfect time to get out there and get active. It’s one of the few times in life where it’s ok to be completely self-centered. Besides, those faces of horror and shame when you tell your friends all the things you’ve done by yourself are sooooooooooo worth it!!!
Michael Rochelle
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Michael, I remember turning 30 and not doing really anything special and for the sake of argument I wish I had too. Not that I’m a party animal or anything like Cookie Monster or anything, but it would have been, I suppose, special in some sense to spend it with your closest friends or a significant other. But that’s another thing, I’ve never really celebrated my bday like that anyway, and I’m talking years. But I am glad you went to AC and hopefully enjoyed yourself and found something or someone worthwhile, lol.
The fourth paragraph starts off really funny and I agree being single also has it negative sides as well. The restaurant/bar scene is a great example. And what about going to movies when you are single? That’s a terrible way of living, at least for me, but definitely eating alone in public is absolutely an abomination punishable by the smiting of God’s hand.
And whether you are single or not, I never eat from those little dollar store baskets they have in pubs with P&P’s or pretzels or potato chips. With swine flu going around like a merry-go-round, its wise not to stick your hand in the perverbial cookie jar- or pretzel basket. Preferably, if you are alone and not happy with it at a particular moment like being out as you say in a bar or restaturant then I would gladly and go grab someone up to join me– of course that is after I had imbibed several Long Islands.
Its true that seeing the horrrrrorrrrrrs on your friends’ faces are priceless, but I would urge you since you are a good looking person, not to ever settle; you can be uncommon and be happy out on the town by yourself, but dont ever settle on going out by yourself. Its just poor taste, lol.
Hi Michael,
great post…