Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

A Resolution Worth Keeping

Written By: Humor Mike - Jan• 14•13
It's Not Really New Year's Without Starbucks!!!

It’s Not Really New Year’s Without Starbucks!!!

So, we’re a few weeks into the new year, and I’ve already become a 2013 statistic. Yes, I’m one of those people who get super excited about making New Year’s resolutions, but then abandon them in a ditch on the side of the road around noon on January 2nd. 2013 was supposed to be the year that I gave up fried foods and soft drinks, but that went right out the window when I was tempted by a wayward Popeye’s commercial. It’s not really my fault though. They were having a sale on chicken and biscuits. I’m sure you know what that type of pressure can do to a person. In fact, you’re probably craving a hot, flaky, buttered biscuit yourself simply because I brought it up. I’ll give you a moment to wipe the drool from your chin.

The good thing is that I know I’m not alone in canceling resolutions soon after they are created. Some of you, too, have joined a gym and then stopped going solely because the other members wouldn’t let you change the TV channel to “The Bachelor” or “Grey’s Anatomy.” And, if you’ve ever purchased workout equipment, like me, you know that nothing dries clothes quicker than hanging them on an unused treadmill. I mean, who needs a clothesline or a dryer when you have an elliptical machine just sitting there? You might as well put it to good use.

By now, you’ve probably burned your 2012 list of resolutions and buried the remains in your neighbor’s yard so there would be no remnants of old goals long forgotten. Since I brought in the new year holding a shovel in one hand and a lighter in the other, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that I failed miserably with ALL of my 2012 resolutions. If there were a Guinness World Record holder for the individual with the most discarded New Year’s resolutions, it would be me. You can bet your first born puppy on it.

Although I gave it my best try, I am sorry to report that I did not win the 2012 National Brad Pitt or George Clooney Look-alike Contest. Seriously, I thought I had it in the bag. I had everything down. The hair. The swagger. The swimsuit. But, still, I lost to some Asian guy whose hair was bouncier than mine. And he got extra points for being a natural blond. Oh well. I guess you can’t win them all. I guess if God wanted me to be a natural blond, he would have made me Asian as well. But I digress.

Adding further insult to injury, neither Britney Spears nor Beyonce has contacted me about being a backup dancer in one of their videos yet. This is in spite of my very theatrical rendition of “Hit Me Baby Because I’m Crazy in Love,” which I performed in the middle of the local Target store. However, all is not lost. The next day I learned that someone filmed the routine and posted it on YouTube. So far, it’s gotten three whole views!!! It may not exactly be the viral sensation of PSY’s “Gangnam Style” yet, but it’s well on its way.

For the past few years, my main goal has been to write more. As you all know, I’ve been working on the same novel since I started kindergarten. Actually, that’s not exactly true. I’ll write twenty pages and then toss it. Start over. Write forty pages and then toss that. Start again. Eat some ice cream while writing eight pages and then, you guessed it, toss it. So, when people ask how it’s coming along, there really isn’t much to say. Except that I’ve perfected the beginning over the years. You know what? That gives me an idea. Why don’t I share an excerpt from my forthcoming novel with you right now! A blog-reader exclusive. We never get exclusives. Ok. Here we go:

It was a dark and stormy night…

And there you have it. Absolute perfection. I can tell that I’m on the verge of a best seller. I can just see it. My book, on the shelf, somewhere between “Fifty Shades Darker” and “When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?” That has always been my dream. Since I was placed in my mother’s womb, I knew that words would be my thing. Not football. Not firefighting. Words. I knew it would be my destiny. For it was written.

On a serious note, I want this to be the year of no excuses in terms of my writing. Sure, I probably won’t go to the gym as often as I’d like—or ever—and I doubt that Starbucks and I will see each other less frequently over the next few months, but I went to school to be a writer for gosh sakes! I paid to graduate magna cum laude for crying out loud! I have over 2 million dollars in student loans! Besides my blog and its 3½ readers, what do I have to show for it? Were all those years of writing something brilliant and then standing there naked in front of the firing squad of teachers and students for nothing?

These days, everyone and their dog’s ferret has a column in a magazine AND a book deal. Why don’t I have one yet? Am I not as cute as that puppy who wrote the New York Times bestseller, “It’s A Doggy Dog World”? Granted, if someone asked what I’ve written so far, I’d only have a solid first line to show them, but if I did a page a day and KEPT it, I could finish a book in 2013. It will be hard to stay motivated with my working full time while pursuing an MBA and watching Netflix, but, certainly, it’s possible. Right? Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a book—my book—to shove in the face of everyone who snickers at my majoring in English instead of engineering or criminal justice?

That noted, I ask that you, my readers, join me in my quest to get moving toward our goals. If you have a passion that has fallen by the wayside because you had to focus on seemingly more important things, I’d like you to try to get your fire back. I’m talking to you. Yes you!!! Whether you got your degree in crop rotation or salsa tasting, 2013 could be your year to reignite that flame. In the words of one of the most intelligent people of our time, Katy Perry, “Baby you’re a firework / Come on show ‘em what you’re worth.” Don’t act like you don’t know the words!!!

Michael Rochelle
Access my full blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Access my website: http://www.mikeyllo.com
Add me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1

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