Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

A Christmas Michael–I Mean Miracle

Written By: Humor Mike - Dec• 25•11

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. You know it’s the holiday season when random people hold doors open for you, let you merge on the interstate, or allow you to go in front of them when you’re standing in the check-out line shaking frantically with your legs crossed and a bottle of extra strength Pepto Bismol in your hand—I love it when that happens. This time of year, people who don’t usually speak actually part their lips to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “What are you looking at?” or “Take a hike, jerk.”

For me, the best part of the season, topping the gift giving, decorations, and all the store clerks in Santa hats, is the extra time off from work. Although I LOVE my job and ADORE my coworkers (umm, some of them may be reading), I also love the three or four-day weekends that sometimes come along with Christmas and New Year’s. And because of all the niceness in the air, I typically get written up or fired less during this time of year, which is an awesome benefit. “Sure, I’m five hours late and I didn’t bother to call, but you wouldn’t terminate me during Christmas, would you? Oh, and by the way, I need to leave early.” Yes, it’s definitely the most wonderful time of the year. So wonderful, that I finally found the energy to take the blog out of hiatus.

As some of you know, my goal for the past few months has been to do a weekly blog post. Of course, that has kind of gone out the window. However, I can honestly say that I wasn’t missing in action because I was camped outside of a mall waiting for the new Air Jordan sneakers to be released. Instead, school happened. And then work happened. And “30 Rock” happened. Yes, while I was off the radar, I was either at work, doing schoolwork, or sprawled out on the couch watching Netflix—or what was left of my Netflix subscription after they hiked up the prices and forced me to take on a part time job in order to pay for the new separate DVD rental and streaming services. I’m just happy I didn’t throw away my stripper outfit. I had a feeling I was going to have to use it again.

In my defense, I didn’t stop writing altogether. I started writing several blog entries, but then something shiny would come on the TV, or a teacher would call nagging and whining that one of my assignments was 4 weeks late or something, so I’d have to put off blogging to pretend to be slightly responsible and “prioritize” as people in the business world like to say. Thus, I have several articles about my Thanksgiving and Black Friday experiences, but I think it may be just a tad bit too late to post them. Maybe I’ll save them for February when everyone is distracted and starry eyed because of Valentine’s Day, so no one will notice how late and inappropriate a Thanksgiving post is at that time. We’ll see.

Over the past few weeks, because some people know that I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, many questions arise about whether I’ll celebrate Christmas or not and what I’ll do with myself that day if I choose not to. Although I’m not currently a practicing Jehovah’s Witness, my parents still are, so holidays are just like a regular day for me. December 25th may as well be June 25th—wait, that’s not a holiday too, is it? The funny thing is, whenever I tell someone that I’ll be just lying low, watching TV, and sleeping through the holiday, they act as though I’m depressed and need to be placed on a suicide watch. And let me tell you, it is very hard for me to write this blog in the middle of a psych ward with two big burly wardens watching my every move and tranquilizing me every time I get upset because they don’t serve Starbucks here. I mean, wouldn’t you go crazy if someone cut off your coffee supply? I’m just saying. By the way, they’re telling me that I can’t use words like “cut,” but I’ll see if I can somehow slide that by them.

But anyway, in terms of my holiday being relatively uneventful, don’t cry for me, Christmas celebrators. Like Lady Gaga said, I was pretty much born this way. My mother became a Jehovah’s Witness when I was about 5, so I have years and years and YEARS of experience in not being with family, having a tree, or getting gifts for Christmas. Matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that the savings due to her not having to buy gifts was one of the big selling points of the Jehovah’s Witness lifestyle that made my mother say “Sign me up!!!” Hmmm. I wonder if it’s too late to sue for all the lost presents and earnings over the years? Maybe I need to call Judge Judy. Mom, I’ll see you in court!!! And bring your checkbook!!!

Since I’m actually writing this on Christmas, instead of spending my day opening gifts and planning my travel route to return the majority of those unwanted items tomorrow, I’m spending it doing exactly what I want to do. Looking at the November 5th date on my last blog entry is very disturbing, so I’m excited to be adding new content. Next, I plan to add at least one chapter to the alleged novel that I’ve been working on for the last few years. Also, because I’ll be spending the day with my parents tomorrow, I went for a drive earlier and raided all the outdoor Redbox machines until I found the movie “The Help” for us to watch during our family time. Thus, I may not exactly be celebrating Christmas per se, but I’m still enjoying myself. Did I mention that I also rented “Just Dance 3”? Yes, I’ll be spending the evening dancing and sweating until the paramedics come knocking. I can’t wait!!!

In closing, I’d like to wish everyone a very happy holiday season and I look forward to connecting with my readers more in 2012. Enjoy yourself and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do—which pretty much means you can do anything you want.

Michael Rochelle
Access my full blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Access my website: http://www.mikeyllo.com
Add me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1

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