Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

Halloween, Birthdays, And A Run For President

Written By: Humor Mike - Nov• 05•11

So, I was sitting there on Halloween, politely waiting for trick or treaters to show up at my door. I’d been waiting for over an hour. Now that I think about it, the fact that no kids showed up was probably my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited until after work on Halloween to stop at Target to pick up candy. While I was there, I did kind of get a tad bit distracted by a few of life’s little necessities. I mean, you can never have enough of that stuff that makes your toilet water blue so that it matches your towels and wallpaper. In any case, I didn’t make it home until after 9 PM, which means I probably missed all the kids. That kind of sucks because now I’ll be forced to eat all that candy by myself over the next few days, which would totally ruin my diet if I were on one.

Well, I can’t exactly call that night a complete loss. Not too long after I arrived home, I heard a knock and I practically sprinted over to the door and whipped it open expecting to see a bunch of cute kids in their scary little costumes. Except those kids weren’t exactly kids. Those kids were like fifteen . . . or twenty-eight or something. They didn’t even bother to pretend to wear costumes. One was taller than I am. Trust me, I’ve never seen a kid holding a beer bottle in one hand and a cigarette behind one ear as part of his or her outfit. My smile faded as the trick or treaters shoved a black trash bag in my direction and said, “Fill ‘er up.” I couldn’t believe I was handing over a handful of snack-size Snickers to two guys and a girl who had to be at least as old as I am. Maybe I was imagining things, but I could have sworn I noticed a few gray hairs in one of the guy’s moustache.

I wonder how many actual children I missed while I was at Target deciding whether I really needed another iron and matching microwave set or not. I mean, you just never know when the three irons you already have are going to give out, and one can never have too many microwaves in my opinion. How else can you pop your popcorn and warm up your coffee at the exact same time without using that stove contraption thingy that takes up half your kitchen but you make up for it by using it as a storage unit? Thanks to my three microwaves, I can prepare an entire meal for one person in less than five hours. And if I decide to go simple and make something like Cheerios or Fruit Loops, I can cut that down to about sixty minutes. What can I say? I’m a professional.

Last Halloween, so many children showed up at my door that I ran out of candy and had to improvise. After some quick thinking on my part, I began handing out 12-ounce cans of spinach and peas instead of Kit Kats and Almond Joys. Needless to say, the kids weren’t so thrilled with that quick fix and the next morning I found all of the cans neatly stacked outside my front door. Ingrates! As disappointed as I was that I missed all the kids this year, I have to admit that a part of me is kind of glad the evening was so quiet. I mean, you might think that little ghost or goblin is somebody’s two year old, but before you know it, you’ve opened the door and that two year old is taking your bowl of candy and your wallet. You just never know these days. Better safe than sorry.

Moving on, a lot of people have asked what I did for my birthday two weeks ago—OK, one person asked. Well, if I’m honest, I did exactly what I thought I would do—homework. Yes, on my actual birthday, I didn’t even leave the house. I was glued to my couch reading something about marketing for my marketing class and something about accounting for my accounting class. Actually, I’m lying. I did leave the house for about an hour so that I could go to Carvel and order myself a birthday cake with my name on it and everything.

Ok, I know what you’re saying, “Michael, you bought your own cake! How sad!” Well, don’t cry for me, Argentina. I’ll have you know that when you buy your own cake, you get exactly what you want and the whole thing is yours unless you choose to share it!!! And when I lit my 32 candles, no one was there to witness the small kitchen fire it caused and I was totally able to play it off by saying I had some faulty cords when the Montgomery County Fire Department showed up. See, so I didn’t exactly spend my birthday alone. Furthermore, I’d like to dispute the rumors that aired on “Entertainment Tonight” and “TMZ” that I caused the fire so that people would show up for my birthday. Yes, I did ask the firemen to sing “Happy Birthday” while they hosed down my microwave, but it was not pre-planned—just like Kim Kardashian’s divorce.

As bad as it may sound, it was completely my fault that I didn’t do anything big on my birthday. I waited until the last minute to do my homework for the week, so I had to cancel plans I’d made with friends that day in order to get it done. Why be a show off and turn your work in early when you can wait until the last minute and make it appear that you put some effort into it and took your time to make sure you did the work accurately? I’m just saying. Anyway, despite how low-key my actual birthday was, I had dinner at Buca di Beppo, an Italian restaurant, and went bowling with another set of friends the night before. I had an awesome time in spite of the fact that I came in third or fourth each game. Apparently, no one told my friends that they were supposed to let me win in honor of my birthday—even if that meant that they somehow needed to score less than 20 points the whole game. Next time I’m requesting that we use the bumpers or gutter-blockers that the kids use.

Now that I’m officially 32, I feel like I should be evaluating my life, where I’ve been, what I want to do, and who I want to be when I grow up. Well, first, I want to start rewarding myself for my achievements, which is exactly why I rewarded myself for burning 100 calories at the gym the other day by going to Checkers and having a Bacon Cheese Champ compo right afterwards. It was so worth it. Second, I want to finally learn how to do the Crank Dat Souldja Boy dance from 2007 that I never quite mastered. Because I’m not a quitter, I’m going to put in more practice and possibly debut it for my birthday next year. Third, I wonder if it’s too late for me to put in my bid for president. My momma always said that I could be whatever I want to be. Hmmm. There you have it. You heard it here first. Michael Rochelle for president in 2012. Do you want to know the first bill for me to get through congress? I’ll work on making Starbucks, Netflix, and iPhones free for everyone!!!

Michael Rochelle
Access my full blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Access my website: http://www.mikeyllo.com
Add me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1

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