Now that the weather is warming up, it appears people’s hearts are too. Relationship statuses have been changing left and right. Over the past week or so, I’ve had one friend get engaged, and another to stop calling her situation a “situation??? and is now proclaiming to the world that she is in love. And though I usually am against having relationships with lesser beings, I have one friend who is sure that he and his ferret are meant to be together. Personally, I’m happy for them. It’s 2009. Who am I to judge? Maybe there’s really nothing wrong with a little bit of ferret lovin’.

It’s funny when friends share their new relationship statuses because then the tables inevitably turn and they wonder how things are going for me in the love department. Well, last I checked, the CEO of Wal-Mart explained that there is no such thing as a love department and requested that I stop calling. And we all know, if you can’t find it at Wal-Mart, you won’t find it anywhere. Thus, I had voted love off the island until further notice. Despite this, I am truly excited to share that I may have found my soul mate in the least likely of places.

I was minding my own business, trying to purchase an iced coffee and a sour cream donut at my local 7-Eleven. Of course, because it was me, the iced coffee machine was out of mix and needed to be refilled. The ironic thing is that there could be 30 thousand people in front of me getting iced coffees, but when it’s my turn, suddenly the machine decides to take a smoke break or turn in its two-week notice. Anyway, once I found the one employee in the whole store who knew how to get the machine back up and running (did I mention that I know how to do it and offered to do it myself?), I headed over to the register and prayed that some unseen force would ensure that my $2.50 purchase would go through on my debit card. Hey, it’s a recession. Don’t judge me!

Right in the middle of my prayer, and before I got to the part where I had to vow to spend the next few Sundays in church and feed the homeless on my lunch breaks, I noticed a set of eyes sizing me up. In my opinion, it was an off day for me in the looks department—and I have confirmed with Wal-Mart that there IS, in fact, a looks department. That day I didn’t really put any effort in to my appearance. At the most, I’d probably only spent about two hours picking out my outfit, ironing, showering, shaving, etc. Thus, I immediately began to feel self-conscious. I blew into my hand and did a breath test. Although I didn’t pass with flying colors, it was tolerable. I then smoothed down my mustache, tried to tame my eyebrows, and strolled over to the door where the love of my life was waiting patiently on the other side. It was one of those moments in the movies where everything happens in slow motion. However, although I was moving slowly, everyone else was moving at normal speed. This caused me to get a few dirty looks and someone yelled out something about me being crazy, but they were just jealous that I’d finally happened upon the love of my life—a ducky.

I have never believed in love at first sight. But when I looked into those little eyes, I just knew that that moment, right there at the 7-Eleven, was what this life was all about. Everything I’d ever done, the joys, disappointments, and tears, were all just preparing me for when I’d meet the duck of my dreams. She (I checked) moved out of the way as I opened the door. I thanked her for being so hospitable. I looked at her longingly and expected her to take flight just like the other loves that had come and gone over the years. Instead, she followed me to my car.

I explained to her that I’d been hurt before and that I wasn’t sure if I had anything left to give. I was damaged. And if I were an article of clothing, I’d most certainly be a clearance item in the bargain bin at a thrift store. She looked at me reassuringly and my fears just melted away. I knew what I had to do. I didn’t care who saw us. And I was no longer concerned that I was 7 hours late for work and would make it there just in time to punch out and go home. For that moment, I’d forgotten about the nickels worth of gas in my tank. All I wanted and needed was to love and be loved by Ducky Jenkins-Smith—that’s her name.

I sat on the curb beside her. We shared my donut. I told Ducky about my hopes and dreams, and she told me that the weather could be a real bummer when you live outside all your life. My heart went out to her. She said she didn’t understand why humans always wanted to go to the pool. “Being wet all the time is overrated,??? she said. We both took a bite from the donut. And for the record, I was a complete gentleman. I did not ask to take her home.

After a few moments, she suggested that I go in to work. She’d had her fill of donut and she didn’t want me to get fired. I told her that if I did, I’d send her the bill—get it, bill. After a few moments of silence, I said, “I don’t want to leave you. You don’t have to live like this.??? But we both knew it was the way it had to be. Though we loved each other more than mere words could begin to explain, we had different lives and timing was not in our favor because she was expecting a litter of puppies any day now. We parted ways with the promise that one day we’d reunite somehow, someway. I miss her already.

Ducky, if you’re reading this somewhere out there, I love you. And no matter what you go through in life, Big Daddy—she liked to call me that—will always be here for you. I’m always just one quack away. In the words of Michael Jackson, “Just quack my name, and I’ll be there.???

Hugs and Kisses,

Michael

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