There comes a time in every little boy’s life when he realizes that there are certain things he needs to know in order to become a man. For some, this realization comes shortly after birth. Others recognize it when they reach their teens. And as for the rest of us, we’re still waiting for that memo to arrive. Maybe our “How to Be a Man for Dummies??? manuals got lost in the mail. Anyway, because of this, I’ve had to bear all those moments when someone puts me on the spot and asks me things that I allegedly should know or be able to do as a man. For example, “Did you watch the game last night???? “Could you go in that toolbox and bring me a screwdriver???? And my absolute favorite request, “Could you kill that mouse, spider, water bug, praying mantis, or (insert scary thing here) when you get a chance???? Well, in an effort to save my fellow men who didn’t receive their male instruction guides either, here’s my list of things every man should know…or at least pretend to know in public.

Since I’ve already mentioned sports, why don’t I start there? Dictionary.com defines sports as “an athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often of a competitive nature, as racing, baseball, tennis, golf, bowling, wrestling, boxing, hunting, fishing, etc.??? I must admit that I was a little disappointed when I didn’t see knitting or basket weaving on that list. I guess it makes sense though since no balls are involved or anything. Furthermore, briskly knitting a Santa Claus sweater and matching gloves doesn’t make you break out into a sweat so I guess it’s definitely not a sport. However, apparently that is just the beginning of what you need to know as a man regarding sports. First of all, no matter what anyone tells you, basketball is not football. Allegedly, although both sports involve balls and running, they are too completely different games. Supposedly, one involves tackling each other after someone scores a free throw. Who knew?

Next, you must know everything about cars—even when you don’t. What I’ve found is that answering every question with a yes seems to score you points in the macho department. When someone asks if your SUV that uses $30 a day to go 2 miles is good on gas, just say yes and recommend that the person asking goes out and gets one immediately. If someone asks if you can change their oil or pump their gas, give them an authentic smile, nod your head, then rush their car to the nearest auto mechanic when they aren’t looking to get it done. Actually, as a man, you should probably have a mechanic on standby at all times just for these types of situations. I know I do. But if you can’t reach your mechanic by phone, text, email or messenger pigeon, have no fear. Just remember the first option that I demonstrated just the other day when someone asked me if I had hub cabs or rims. I smiled brightly, said yes, and the person has not asked me another car-related question since. See, this strategy really works!

Another thing real men must do is always be cool, calm, and collected. This means you should do a little lean and a dip when you walk, which is also known as the pimp stroll. If you need a demonstration, watch some old movies from the ‘70s, or just ask someone who looks relatively cool for a demonstration. If their walk looks reputable, then do exactly what they did. However, I do recommend practicing until your pimp walk comes naturally to you. Feel free to try out your new dip-and-lean every time you get an opportunity. In my opinion, church or the workplace present great chances to practice because it’s almost a guarantee that you’ll get immediate feedback. There’s nothing like a good pimp walk into a board meeting to get things off to a good start. Oh, and you get extra points if you’re wearing sunglasses.

While we’re on the subject of being cool, as a man, once you’ve achieved a cool persona, you must never break character for any reason. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware of this a few weeks ago when I was horrifically attacked by a renegade bumblebee in the parking lot at my job in front of a platoon of soldiers. At a time when I should have been my very manliest, my arms were flailing and I was ducking and diving while bobbing and weaving. I may have even yelped a few times before I dashed off towards my car with the bee hot on my trail. As painful as it is for me to mention this incident, I’m sharing it with you because I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did. Had I known about the code of manliness, I would have just balled up my fist and duked it out with the bee like a man. If you ever find yourself in this situation and a bee hits you with a one-two punch and a sting, maintain your composure and never let it see you sweat. After all, it’s just a bee—even if you’re allergic.

Also, as a man, you should never—EVER—get excited about anything because the display of emotions is a female trait. Like Johnson & Johnson says, “No more tears!??? That said, whether you win a million dollars or you’re informed that your local coffee shop now sells Irish Cream lattes, just calmly say “whatever??? and take the offerings without so much as a smile. As a matter of fact, this should also be your standard response when some lucky female or gerbil accepts your marriage proposal. There is absolutely no reason to be all overjoyed during these types of occasions. If anything, just burp a few times until the sentimental moment passes. I mean, it’s not like she isn’t lucky to have such a manly man like yourself. Remember, you’re the person who handles all of the maintenance on the cars. However, if you must display some form of excitement, do it from the privacy of your own personal broom closet and no one will be the wiser.

On a serious note, the most important thing to remember about being a man is that there is no one definition or classification that should determine how we carry ourselves and how we are perceived by others. Men are like a variety pack. We come in various colors, shapes, and siz—never mind, this is a g-rated blog. Anyway, forget stereotypes and let people just be themselves. There is no need for a man to beat on his chest while lifting a 5-pound dumbbell over his head to prove that he’s worthy of the title of male. Regardless of whether our voices are as deep as the ocean or as high as college kids at a Friday night frat party, we are men by nature and that is all the validation we need. That said, if your husband wants to show off his muscles by wearing your pink halter top with the shimmering sparkles, you leave that stud muffin alone and let him be all that he can be. Just make sure he’s nowhere near a platoon of soldiers, and that there aren’t any bumblebees around.

Michael Rochelle

Access my full humor blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Access my website: http://www.justmichael.net

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