Two weeks ago I started a new job. As you may know, new jobs can be kind of, sort of, just a tad bit stressful. First, there’s the not knowing anything, which is worsened because you don’t know anything, which is then magnified by the fact that you don’t know anything. And if you’re like me, and you start this new job on a military base, then the stress level can be off the charts. Imagine working at a facility where virtually everyone has guns—except you. Imagine being a “civilian??? and having that label means that YOU are the foreign one. Lastly, picture, as a civilian, ranking lower than everyone currently enlisted, formerly enlisted, or who will ever join the military. By lunchtime on my first day, I had shined twelve sets of boots, washed two army trucks, ironed five uniforms, cleaned three toilet seats with my tie, and was used for target practice—and I work in accounting. You should have seen what they made the new members of the janitorial staff do. I won’t mention it here though. However, I will say that it’s probably illegal in at least 39 of the 50 states. Nonetheless, I was just happy that I hadn’t brought my toothbrush with me. If I had, I would probably still be there now scrubbing the roof.
Actually, my first day wasn’t so bad. Well, except for the part where I went to the vehicle registration office, which was staffed by police officers, to get a parking pass and learned that both my registration and insurance cards were expired. Oops!!! And let me tell you now, offering them donuts and coffee in exchange for them looking the other way and ignoring violations does not work. Don’t try it! In my experience, it just makes them put the cuffs on tighter. Also, I fumbled a couple times when being introduced to other staff members. For some reason, the only words I could think of were, “It’s nice to meet you.??? That was my response for everything—even if they asked me to repeat my name. “It’s nice to meet you,??? I’d say with a grin. With one of the managers, I’m sure I said it at least seven times before she decided that I was a lost cause. In my defense, I was nervous. And even if you repeat it twenty times, at least you get credit for being polite. Another habit I’ve picked up from working on a military base is calling everyone sir…even when I’m speaking to females. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “That’s a nice dress, sir.???
Since parking on base is very limited, I have to get to work an hour and a half early if I want to find a spot on campus. My start time is 7:30 a.m. and I have to be there no later than 6:15 a.m. if I want a parking space that doesn’t have a sign threatening a mandatory life sentence if you park there without proper authorization and a signed note from the president and his mom. Seriously, if I get there one minute late, it’s like playing musical chairs with twenty cars aiming for the one remaining spot. However, even if I am the lucky one to get to the last spot first, because everyone else has guns, I’m always afraid to take it. I haven’t been to the gym in centuries, so there’s no way I’d be able to duck and roll out of the car and dart to the building in one piece. For me, it would be life or death. For them, it’s called a training exercise.
Four days after I started, I was sent over to the IT department to have my picture taken for my new badge. Because I had no idea it would take so long for this to be done, I’d worn my best clothes on the first day. The second and third day, my clothes were a few notches down from what I’d worn the first day. But by the fourth day, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel for outfits, my hair had started growing in from the fresh cut I’d gotten the weekend before, and a group of pimples had begun doing the Macarena right in the middle of my cheek. Despite all of this, I smiled like I’d just won a million dollars. As soon as the flash went off, I knew the photo wasn’t good. I was almost sure I hadn’t smoothed my eyebrows down, which was my fault for not flat ironing and applying some gel to them before I left for work. Immediately, I requested to have another one taken. After I was told that I couldn’t, I asked, “Would I win America’s Next Top Model with that picture???? The guy examined the photo, smiled, and responded, “No, but you might win America’s Next Top Deer Caught In Headlights.??? At first I was disappointed, but then I looked at the bright side: at least I could win something.
Even though I just finished school, I learned that you can receive life lessons from the oddest of places. Before I made the hour-long journey home one evening, I stopped at the Dunkin Donuts on base for a coffee. My first mistake was asking for a café mocha. Apparently, they only serve mocha lattes and have absolutely no idea what you’re referring to unless you order that specifically. Oh, and they don’t use the word “mocha??? to help guide you toward asking for the right item. Instead, they just look at you as if you have a knee cap on your forehead and let you figure it out for yourself. Once we got through that debacle, I asked the cashier if the drink was presweetened. She frowned and asked, “You want peach sweetener???? I shook my head and repeated my request. At this, she replied, “You need to learn how to talk better.??? I pondered this for a moment and then thanked her for the advice. I mean, just because I have a degree in English, doesn’t mean I can’t accept words of wisdom from the Dunkin Donut’s staff. I was just happy they didn’t charge me for both the lesson and the latte.
All in all, I’d say I’m doing just fine. Although I’m not actually a part of the armed forces, being in the presence of so many military personnel makes me feel an extreme sense of pride and fulfillment. For once, it seems as if I have a real sense of purpose. Due to this purpose, I now iron and shower every day as opposed to every other day because I can’t let America down. And because resources are limited, I’ve learned some handy skills like how to make a computer out of two thumb tacks and a nickel. Actually, I didn’t really need the nickel. I just added that part so I could have a faster start-up and so my YouTube videos would play in high definition. I’ve also learned to make do with what I have. If I’m fortunate enough to get coffee, I don’t expect lids, cream, sugar, or even water. In fact, chewing on coffee grinds give you more of a jolt than any Starbucks drink I’ve ever had. Lastly, I’ve learned to buy groceries for a month with just $0.53 and a bobby bin. Isn’t life great? Michael Rochelle is in the army now.
Michael Rochelle
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