It’s official. On January 10th, 2010, after 7 long years, I finally walked across the stage of a partially accredited university whose phone number I’d found on the wall of a Burger King bathroom and was handed a rolled up map disguised as my degree, patted on the back, and sent out into the world to be successful. Life is a very different place for college graduates. Suddenly you just want to use big words like “expeditious??? at all times to prove that you actually earned your degree. “Yes mam, I’d like a number 6 super-sized with a Diet Coke. If you could handle that request expeditiously, I’d greatly appreciate it.??? Yes, you get extra points if you can add an “ly??? to the end to make a long word even longer. Also, because I’m a college graduate, I’ve decided that it’s important for me to always look the part. Thus, I’ve started wearing a pair of Harry Potter glasses, which immediately raised my IQ by at least 10 points. However, I think that I’m going to have to take off this cap and gown at some point. After the first week, it started to smell. By the end of the second week, even a can of Febreze couldn’t freshen me up. And honestly, it’s getting way to hard to shower without this tassel-thingy getting in the way. Good thing I’ve learned to pull it back into a ponytail.
One of the most disappointing things about being a college graduate is that you don’t get better service at stores and restaurants for being so. I asked the fry guy for hot fries and tried to justify my request by showing him my cap and gown photo and he showed me his class ring and then told me his degree was in molecular biology and traffic cone placement. Let’s just say I had to make due with the cold fries. And don’t even get me started about Wal-Mart. There are absolutely no checkout lines dedicated to college graduates. Apparently, all they care about is whether you have 15 items or less. The other customers are no better. They have absolutely no respect and appreciation for my degree. The other day, I politely said to this lady, “Excuse me mam, I see you have 2 items and I have like 40, but do you mind if I scoot on ahead of you? I’m a college graduate.??? She just looked at me. That’s exactly what I’m talking about. No respect whatsoever.
Despite this, the experience hasn’t been a total disappointment. Honestly, I don’t know whether my parents, grandmother, or I enjoyed the ceremony more. In fact, I was shocked when they called my name and my mother knocked me out of the way so that she could walk across the stage in my place. Part of me was happy that this happened because she certainly got more applause than I did when I finally got to walk across the stage after she was escorted out of the building. It’s really amazing how many times a person can be tazered and still remain standing. I’m so proud of her. Now she’s an internet sensation on YouTube and in order for me to reach her, I have to talk to her publicist first. In that case, me saying I’m a college graduate does get me faster service than me just saying I’m her son. I have no idea why. Hopefully, at the next graduation program, the school will provide more security and run background and credit checks before admittance. You can’t just let anybody in these days. Then again, maybe it’s not there fault that they didn’t know that. After all, they are partially accredited.
Another awesome thing about the ceremony was the pictures my father took. The day before, I’d stopped by to show him how to use the camera. Of course, my mother didn’t need assistance. She had a one-time-use camera with 12 pictures left and figured that one or two pictures of my graduation would be more than enough in case anything more important came up. When it comes to rationing out pictures, my mother doesn’t play. In fact, on that same roll is a picture or two of my birth and at least five of the checkout girl at the beauty supply store. I can’t blame my mother though. The girl is nice and very photogenic. I’ll post pictures of her one day when my mom uses the remaining ten pictures. I figure that by the time I get married, have a couple kids, get a house, adopt a dog, release my book, and go on Oprah, that will probably be enough events for her to want to use up the rest of the roll and get the pictures developed. If not, we’ll just have to schedule some more life changing events. Maybe I could move to Iraq or something.
Anyway, I was so impressed by the pictures my father took. He didn’t get his thumb in any of the shots and even I make that mistake sometimes. You’re not going to believe this, but the photos he took with the lens cap off were even better. For those, I don’t have to pretend to know what was going on at that moment. “You see that black picture right there? If you turn off the lights and squint really hard, you’ll see me right there. You see me? I’m the one dropping it like it’s hot on the stage.??? Oh, and my dad did get some great shots of one of some guy’s back who was sitting a few rows ahead of him. With those pictures I say, “Ok, you see that guy’s back right there? Just pretend he isn’t sitting there. Yup, that’s me snatching the microphone from the speaker and giving a shout out to Ray-Ray and Pookie and dem.??? By the way, being a college graduate, I probably should no longer use words like “dem.??? From now on, even though it may require a little more breath, I’m going to use the full word—them.
I’d also like to note that having a degree in English does not mean that you can handle mathematical calculations any better. For some reason, everyone has decided to stop using their calculators to ask me if I know what one plus six equals. After using my fingers and toes—and sometimes those of friend or random person nearby—I still draw a blank every time. And in case you were wondering, I may have a college degree, but I am certainly not “Smarter Than A 5th Grader??? in any way, shape, or form. Also, being a college graduate doesn’t make you any better at shooting pool. I was in total shock when I lost my shirt and my new car to a four-year-old last week. I’m telling you, just because she wasn’t tall enough to see over the table, doesn’t mean she didn’t have skills. And between you and I, I’ve even gone so far as to stop calling it “pool??? because “billiards??? sounds so much smarter—and it’s even better when you say it with an English accent.
On a serious note, it was awesome to finally achieve that goal. The look of pride on my mom’s, dad’s, and grandmother’s faces that day was priceless. When I began that journey seven years ago, I had no idea that I’d enjoy the experience as much as I did and that I’d work so hard that I’d finish with a 3.849 on a 4.0 scale which enabled me to graduate with magna cum laude status (with great honor/praise). On top of that, two days later, even though we’re currently in the midst of hard times economically, I was offered an amazing opportunity with a new job in a new city that could bring me closer to my writing goals. Needless to say, this is a very good period for me and I’m looking forward to the road ahead. When I wrote, “New Year, New You??? a few weeks ago, I had no idea just how true that concept would be for me.
What I’d like to do now is challenge you to stretch yourself a little bit so that you can grow as well. As I’ve asked a few times before, what is that one goal you’ve always wanted to accomplish? Have you ever wanted to go to or finish school? Is there another line of work or another opportunity within your current job that you’d be happier in? Do you sometimes want to order steak instead of chicken? No matter what your goals are, aren’t YOU worth taking a shot at them? A good friend told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to do new things because what’s meant for me is for me. The same is true for you. There is always room to learn something new. There is always the potential to do and be better. What are you waiting on? As I told my former co-workers on my last day before I journeyed on to the new venture, never, ever, ever forget your value. See how smart I am?!?!
Michael Rochelle
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You never seize to amaze me with your wonderfulLY worded logic, you inspire me in so many ways. I’ll be back checking for more updates on your teachings, side notes, etc.
Congratulations on one of the greatest achievements a professional can have………I am right behind you so please continue to inspire me and brighten my days with your blogs……….You are missed in the cold, gray wallways that once shined with your bright smile !!!!!!!
You are a friend of one of my FB friends and I spotted a link to your blog. I’ve laughed and hollered more in this one day than I have in the past week. I’m going to share your stories with a few of my friends. Thanks for making my day.