As I believe I have mentioned before, I consider myself to be a reasonably reasonable person within reason. That being stated, I’m sitting in the middle of a Starbucks in Richmond, VA taking in all the sights. And by sights, I mean couples. As I sit here—alone, I’m thinking about how earlier this week I was told for the 15 millionth time this year, all by different individuals, that they weren’t looking for a relationship. Instead, all they wanted was a little “fun.??? And by fun, they mean they’d like to hump someone’s leg every once in a while without the prerequisite dinner and a movie. And after having a little “fun??? with you, they’d like to move on and hump the next cankle whenever and wherever they so desire without the confinement and hassle of your measly little feelings being involved. Hmph.

I have to admit, the first couple of times I was told that I was not being considered for a permanent position but instead was classified as “fun for now,??? I was a little disappointed. Here I am, an independent, 22-year-old young man—ok, 29-year-old—with slightly less than above-average looks and an almost degree in an unspecified major from a moderately accredited university—my counselor tells me to just show up at graduation and they’ll just pick something fabulous to put on my diploma. All I know is that my degree won’t read “Chicken Wing Specialist??? as I’d previously requested. But I digress. With what I and so many other single individuals have to offer, it forces you to wonder, why are we just good enough to be placed on layaway, but not the right fit to be fully invested in for the long haul?

The part that bothers me the most about this no strings dating trend is that you go into the situation a loser and are almost guaranteed to come out of it a loser. Before you’ve even exchanged names, email addresses, urine samples, and social security numbers for background checks, these individuals have already figured out that they’re not interested in YOU long term. Despite the fact that you have the cutest button nose and you can recite all of the American Idol winner’s names in 12 different languages, it’s almost a guarantee that your scene in their life is just a cameo because you won’t be returning for the next season. It’s like having Simon Cowell tell you at the end of each date that your performance just wasn’t good enough. After all, it’s just fun, right?

I realize that times are changing and sometimes we need to be flexible in order to not be left behind. Society has even coined a term for this no-stings-fun mentality: friends with benefits. I don’t know about you, but I already have some of those in my life. They’re called co-workers and we all have Blue Cross and Blue Shield—for now thanks to health care reform. Despite the different meanings of “friends with benefits,??? both forms can be linked to a doctor’s office visit. If your friend has benefits, they can simply set up a doctor’s appointment. But if you indulge in a little too much “fun??? with your friends with benefits, you may end up NEEDING to set up a doctor’s appointment. If that ever happens, my advice would be to wear sunglasses, a hat, and a fake mustache when you anonymously go to the free clinic where they can’t inform your real doctor of your little “situation.??? Not that I know from experience or anything, but when you walk in, they give you a number and this little cup and then you take it to—never mind.

For myself, I’m not sure I could deal with the casual nature of these types of relationships. For instance, I recently asked one of these no-string culprits that I’d been waiting to connect with for about a month if they had free time to hang out one day. There response, “That’s fine,??? as if I were the cable guy who’d asked if a 3-to-5 time slot would work for them, or if I were some waiter who’d run out of steaks and wanted to know if chicken was ok. There wasn’t any excitement on their part and that totally killed it for me. I guess because they weren’t looking for anything serious, it didn’t matter whether they spent the day with me, my neighbor, or Sammy Davis, Jr. That bothers me.

Since the point of having “friends with benefits??? is so that there are no ties, I guess people have the freedom to enroll in as many “benefits packages??? as they’d like. However, I’m sooooooo not interested in introducing myself and retelling the story about how my mom mistook me for the dog a couple times when I was a baby over and over again each time I meet someone new to go over the benefits “plans??? and “coverages??? they have to offer. In fact, I’ve prerecorded my answers to the standard questions like where I’m from, what I do, and what I’m looking for. When asked, I simply tell them to wait a second, pass them my IPod, and then hit play. I can’t tell you how much breath I’ve saved with this simple gesture. Let’s just say I’ve saved more with this technique than I could have by switching to Geico.

Now, far be it from me to pass judgment on anyone. In fact, I’d rather gnaw off my kneecap and use it as a Frisbee before I’d ever look down upon you. However, my personal feeling is that the more people you expose yourself to in an intimate nature for fun, the less value a potential partner may see in you in terms of a relationship. At that point, you’re just a “good time gal/guy.??? For instance, let’s say you’re at a party and some village idiot decides it would be fun to use the karaoke microphone to ask the crowd how many people you’ve been with in the room by a show of hands. If all 300 individuals raise their hand except for your grandma, could you really blame someone for not looking at you as relationship material when you are finally ready to settle down? That example is a little extreme, but I do have several friends that enthusiastically point out their conquests each time we go to a club, get together, or church. Let’s just say there are some preachers who should be very ashamed of themselves—but I’m not judging.

Taking this view further, I’ve started bowling at least twice a month. Each time I go, my friends tease me because I don’t have my own bowling shoes. Instead, I have to rent a pair of the well-worn, multi-colored ones that have been around the block a few times. Now if it’s socially unacceptable for me to wear second-hand shoes that have been used by many feet, shouldn’t the same rules apply to having a second-hand partner that is dating—ok, mating—with more than one person? Yuck!!! Furthermore, many of us buy houses instead of renting, and purchase cars instead of leasing because we don’t want to invest a lot of money into something that will never be ours. That being stated, why do we feel it’s ok to invest a whole bunch of time and energy into a rent-a-boyfriend or a loaner-girlfriend who will probably never be interested in progressing to the next level?

In my lowly opinion, if both parties are ok with the no strings rule, then I say do it till you’re satisfied. However, for myself, I want to feel something. I need conversation. I need to not see you on a date with boyfriend number two at a fancy restaurant when all you’ve ever done with me was order something off the dollar menu from the Burger Barn. And I don’t know how well I’d do with the boundaries of a solely physical relationship. To not know whether I’d get happy birthday wishes or a get-well card from someone I’m so intimate with when those times arise would probably do more emotional damage than the good I’d get from the physical aspects of the connection. If the person I’ll eventually order off EBay and I are happy in each other’s company, I’d like for us to be able to share that with one another and revel in that feeling without restraints. I need more than a bunk buddy. I don’t want to not date you long term because you’re clinically insane but settle for the physical aspects because I’m lonely and you live across the street. Besides, what would animal control say if they knew you were mating and hadn’t been spayed and/or neutered? And what would our kids look like? Ewwwwww.

In closing, I’m taking a stand for those of us who still believe it’s possible to find that certain something out there, whatever it is. It may be difficult and a little frustrating at times when you keep being side lined by those who aren’t on the same page as you are in terms of relationships, but hang in there. There is hope. And if you don’t believe me, grab a coffee and look around. Actually, just look around your work place. If someone has chosen to date-and-mate with some of THOSE individuals, someone is sure to settle for you and me—eventually.

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