Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

Mama, I Must Confess

Written By: Michael Rochelle - Mar• 31•19

OMG, What Are Those?!?!

So, allegedly, honesty is the best policy. Actually, someone probably made that up just to make people feel bad about shopping on Amazon at 3 o’clock in the morning and then telling your significant other you have no idea why packages keep being delivered at your front door. For me, I always blame it on my fish. They’ve gotten very active online since I brought them iPads. One of my fish even has more Instagram followers than I do.

In any case, I have a slight confession. Yes, I was arrested back in 1932 in a very unfortunate mix-up over herbal shampoo. I mean, if the package says it’s organic, then that’s what the product should be. I was simply explaining my viewpoint to the manager when—never mind. It’s not important, and that’s not exactly the confession I need to make. At least not today.

Instead, my dear readers, I have to confess that after holding out for over two years, I may have accidentally purchased AirPods. Wait a minute. Before you judge, please hear me out. I know you’ve come to expect more from me. And you expect a certain level of transparency here. I get that. Perhaps you’ve never thought paparazzi would ever catch a photo of me with those things hanging out of my ears. Well, I apologize in advance for letting you down. You truly don’t deserve this.

However, since this thing has happened. I feel there is nothing that we can do except to face it head-on and move forward. The deed has been done. My fate is sealed. The AirPods are here, so we must address the shiny new white elephants in the room.

Because we are a mature crowd, I won’t trouble you by bringing up the variety of things I’ve heard people say that AirPods look like when they are dangling from a person’s ears. I won’t even mention it. It’s completely unnecessary. I won’t bring it up. We are above that. And I don’t think they look anything like tampons anyway, so there is no point in even addressing it. Nope. I refuse. We’re better than that. Kind of.

Fortunately, I waited so long to buy them that there are numerous articles and guides on how to wear them without looking silly. According to my grandma, none of those techniques work for me. Whenever I wear them around her, she just laughs. One time she cackled for a full 45 minutes before I finally decided to take them off and hide them under the bed out of respect. It was the least I could do for the person who had introduced me to my first cup of coffee when I was five.

That aside, some of the concerns about AirPods are well-founded. For some, just randomly talking to Siri in public is a problem. For me, it added a bit of validity to the fact that I already talk to myself anyway. I mean, sometimes you’re standing in the middle of the grocery store and you find that to be the perfect time to argue with yourself about important things like the meaning of life or whether Charmin is better than the competitors.

I find that having the AirPods serves as a great alibi. Whenever someone starts to look at me like I’m crazy because they overhear me arguing with myself over which Beyoncé album is best, I normally just clutch my ear and say, “Oh, don’t mind me. I’m talking to Siri. Siri just said she liked Beyoncé better when she was with Destiny’s Child. I don’t agree.”

There are times when Siri truly does come in handy. I’ve started asking her to change songs and adjust the volume for me. However, I had to learn the hard way that if you don’t have phone service, Siri is absolutely no help. On several occasions I’ve found myself in an uncomfortable circumstance in the restroom and asked Siri to bring me some toilet paper. In those instances, she has always let me down. She says “searching,” but she never actually shows up with anything. I’ve sat there waiting for hours. It’s truly disappointing.

A surprising bonus that seems to have come from having these things dangling from my ears is that it appears I now look less threatening when I roam the streets than before. Instead of ladies seeing me and clutching their purses tightly, they tense up and then relax a bit once they see the AirPods. They immediately understand that if I can afford AirPods, I don’t need the $5 and dusty mints they have in their purse.

These things make me look so trustworthy that one lady saw them and handed me her newborn while she reached for some oatmeal on a top shelf at the grocery store. I told her it would probably be easier for her to hold the baby while I got the item from the shelf, but she insisted. Three minutes later, after she’d run off to get a manager to help, she finally got the oatmeal down and I handed her baby back to her. It wasn’t a moment too soon either. That baby definitely needed Siri to find some toilet paper quick.

Because I no longer have wires hanging down my shirt, it makes it a bit harder to pretend I don’t notice people trying to talk to me or get my attention. When I’m on the street, I usually shrug and walk away quickly while pointing to my AirPods. However, this is not as effective when I’m at work. Whenever my director calls on me during a meeting, I have to point to my ears and say I didn’t hear the question because I was listening to Hannah Montana. She’s never exactly happy with my response. It’s probably my choice of music that upsets her. If I had said I was listening to Cardi B, she would probably understand.

Lastly, I think it’s important to dispel the myth stating that people who don’t have AirPods are broke. In my case, it’s the exact opposite. I’m now broke because I have AirPods. At an interest rate of 1,492%, Visa says I’ll be paying for these things through at least 2099. I just hope they’ll last long enough so I’ll be able to leave them and the remaining credit card balance to my children’s children. I’ll let them figure it out. I won’t be here, so it won’t be my problem.

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: http://www.humormike.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1
Instagram: humor_mike_
Twitter: @mikeyllo

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