Hypothetically Speaking . . .

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The SlimFast Chronicles

Written By: Michael Rochelle - Mar• 17•19

Anybody want a mixed drink?

The other week, I was challenged by my manager to join her in doing the SlimFast diet. Now, any reasonable person probably would have revolted for several reasons. However, because I am neither reasonable, nor am I a person, I agreed to join her on the weight loss journey. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?

I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering why I didn’t stomp my feet, toss my laptop out the window, and storm off when she asked for my participation. Well, for one, I’d already done that several times that week, and you really shouldn’t overdo it. If you do that more than five times, you end up in fired city. Don’t ask me how I know. I just do.

Perhaps I was a tad bit agreeable to my manager’s request because she handles my performance evaluations each year. I remember her disappointment that one year she thought my use of paper clips was excessive and caused a deficit in the company’s office supply budget. That was a very tough time for me. This year I’d like to be rated more than a “needs drastic improvement.” For me, it would be a first.

As you all know, for the last few years, I’ve been preparing my body for Summer 2025. If things don’t work out as planned, I’ll shoot for Summer 2030 instead. I know what you’re thinking. 2025 is at least eighteen years away. Well, my shrink says I need to be realistic when setting goals, so I’m governing myself accordingly. If McDonald’s fries ever go on sale, I can pretty much cancel any alleged dieting plans.

Although I agreed to do the diet thing, there are a few problems with me beginning to embark on this journey. First, if anyone should know how terrible I am at pursuing a goal, you would think it would be my manager. She should have known better than to consider me reliable. I mean, after she documented all of that disappointment in my work effort last year, you would think she would have learned not to challenge me with anything besides maybe showing up partially on time on the days I make it to work. But, nope, not her.

The second problem is that SlimFast has several flavors, but none of them are steak, Big Mac, or vodka martini. If I’m being honest, this is a real oversight on management’s part. Chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry are fine and all, but I wouldn’t exactly call them original or groundbreaking. However, the person who comes up with a pizza flavor, or maybe even a creamy iPhone glaze, that person should be voted Miss America or elected to Congress immediately for their contributions.

Because I’m an overachiever, I opted for the two-meal replacement plan. Under this legal arrangement, I would have a shake for breakfast, a shake for dinner, and a sensible meal for lunch. Where I went wrong was with my definition of “sensible.” You see, I considered a cheesesteak, fries, and a large Coke to be “sensible.” I also thought fried pork chops, mashed potatoes and a Long Island Iced Tea were “sensible.” However, SlimFast and my team of shrinks did not agree. We didn’t agree to disagree either.

Fortunately, a coworker was nice enough to pull me to the side to address the error of my ways, which I’ve found to be a recurring theme in my life. First, she sat me down and handed me a dictionary. All I remember is that the word sensible means something, something, yadda yadda yadda, good sense and sound judgment. This is probably where I went wrong. Anyone who knows me knows that good sense and I do not go together. Clearly, one of these things just doesn’t belong.

Secondly, my coworker pointed out that I was supposed to be restricting the one meal I was allowed to eat down to only 500 calories. 500 calories!!!! I immediately had several problems with this revelation. I mean, I searched the world over and didn’t find any quarter pounder and large fry combos that were less than 500 calories. Adding insult to injury, no matter how I played with the numbers, I couldn’t find a way to squeeze in a bottle of wine and a Mai Tai without exceeding the daily calorie limit. Absolutely unacceptable on multiple accounts!

After the lecture, I decided to dig my heels in and commit to the diet. It was the least I could do. I mean, by this point I had already purchased several boxes of the shakes, so I was going to drink them one way or the other. When you think about it, I believe people have done way harder things than doing the SlimFast diet. I mean, the other day I saw someone running down the block after a dollar bill. In comparison, that’s arguably a lot harder.

Although there aren’t as many flavors of SlimFast as I would like, in case you want to jazz things up a bit, I can say that some of the flavors go really well with Kahlua or Baileys. Oh, and before I forget, if you want to give the shake an extra boost, adding two or eight scoops of chocolate ice cream always helps. Once I made those minor adjustments, I was good to go.

If you’re wondering if I felt deprived while being on the diet, the answer is yes. I absolutely did feel deprived. On most days I found myself staring off into space daydreaming about steak and potatoes. I don’t know how vivid your daydreams are, but in mine, the steak and potatoes broke out into song and did various dances to get my attention. If you’ve never seen lasagna twerk, you’re really missing out.

That noted, after several weeks on the diet, I am sad to announce that, instead of losing weight, I have somehow gained ten pounds. I’m not exactly sure how this happened. When making my Kahlua milkshakes, I know I measured the ice cream and SlimFast proportions accurately. Even when I ate a whole pizza for dinner, I washed it down with a SlimFast, so that should have offset at least some of the calories of the pizza. However, it doesn’t appear that things worked out that way. In any case, all hope is not lost. Maybe next week I’ll make my SlimFast milkshakes with only seven scoops of ice cream instead of eight. I hope that will help.

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: http://www.humormike.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1
Instagram: humor_mike_
Twitter: @mikeyllo

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