Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

See, What Had Happened Was…

Written By: Humor Mike - Jul• 20•11

There are only a few things in this life that I thought I’d always be able to depend on: my parents, American Idol, taxes, and Starbucks. This past weekend I learned differently. On Sunday, a travesty of monumental proportions took place. I mean, it’s one of those things that happens and makes you reevaluate everything you thought you knew, believed, and stood for. Matter of fact, I get a little choked up just writing about it. But alas, my readers demand complete honesty and full disclosure from me. Besides the 98% of my life that I keep private and the 2% that I embellish, sincerity is exactly what I give. And if you can’t rely on me, who can you rely on? That noted, from now on, let 7/17/11 go down in history as the day I, Michael Rochelle, was asked to leave Starbucks. Barbara Walters, I am available for interviews, and I’m ready for my close-up.

See, what had happened was, a buddy of mine and I were minding our own businesses at a table in the Starbucks section of the local Barnes & Noble when the incident occurred. I’d gotten my usual Venti Mocha Coconut Frappuccino and he’d gotten some type of smoothie. After being there for about an hour or so, I was right in the middle of telling a story about myself—which I rarely ever do—when one of the Starbucks employees walked up to us and said, “Hey guys, I really need a favor. One of our other customers just bought some food and really needs a place to sit. Could you guys give up this table? You’ve been here for a while.” Of course, I was shocked and appalled.

Anyone who knows me knows that I faithfully give no less than 10% of my annual income to Starbucks. And like every weekend, I’d planned to stay and work on my blog after my buddy left. But instead, like a used diaper, I found myself tossed out into the mean streets of suburban America. Feeling lost and ashamed, I replied, “Sure, I’ll give up the table just as long as you provide that same level of service in the future when I need a place to sit. Deal?” The employee agreed. Even though it was above 90 degrees outside, I’d wished I’d worn a scarf so that I could have slung it over my shoulder, turned on my heel, and stormed out like they do in the movies. Unfortunately, I had to settle for stomping my way to the front door. I never looked back though. That’s the one thing that my mother taught me: You never look back.

Moving right along, since my last blog post, I’ve gotten a ton of feedback regarding the photo of me sitting by the pool wearing my goggles and nose piece. Apparently the verdict is that you’re not supposed to wear those types of things when you’re outside the pool. I wish someone would have bothered to have told me that sooner—especially since I wore them to the mall later that evening. I just thought all those people staring and pointing meant that they were taking note of the trend I was setting, not that they thought I was a mental case or something. Honestly, I’m just glad that when I took the picture, I didn’t zoom out far enough for everyone to see the Superman water wings and Popeye swim ring I was also wearing that day. Oh, and I won’t even mention that I was really just sitting beside my Sesame Street kiddie pool out in the parking lot of my apartment complex. I won’t even bring that up.

Speaking of things that shouldn’t be brought up, I recently learned a very valuable lesson in regard to naming and saving documents in Word. In the process of writing this blog entry, I lost the whole 2-page document due to a system glitch while I was at work. Frantic, I tried all the usual recovery methods to no avail. Before starting all over again, I decided to contact our IT department as a last resort in hopes that they had some magical powers that would bring my document back pronto. After doing a little troubleshooting, the IT person asked me for the name of the document. I panicked. How could I tell this IT professional that the document I was searching for was called “Three Monkeys And A Tatter Tot Take A Trip To The Mall,” or “Geez, My Teeth Sure Feel Furry.” Granted, I’d done the writing while I was off the clock, but I still felt guilty and went into this whole explanation about how the document really was work related and how obvious it was that I was using “monkeys” and “tatter tot” as secret code to keep the message confidential. I hope she believed me. So, if the next blog entry is titled “Accounting Invoice” or “Business Meeting,” you’ll know why.

In other news, I’ve decided to get out and be more social. Apparently, there is a lot to be seen outside the walls of my apartment. Because of this, I’ve been introduced to some really interesting characters. For instance, one Friday night, at 3 in the morning, I was sitting with a friend at a table outside a restaurant in DC. Just as we’d finished eating, an alleged homeless guy stopped by and asked us for some change. As we fumbled around to see if we had anything to spare, out of nowhere, he burst out singing Patti Labelle’s “You Are My Friend.” When he noticed that I had a to-go box sitting on the table, he asked if he could have it. Two seconds after I handed it to him, he yelled at the top of his lungs, “What the (insert expletive here) is this (insert expletive here)?” It was as if time stopped as everyone looked in my direction to see what all the fuss was about. Again, I was shocked and appalled. I mean, I didn’t place my order with him in mind. I’ll know next time to be a little more creative when ordering my food. Who would have known that a homeless guy would be offended by being given a few chicken wings?

In closing news, when I took myself on a date with myself the other evening to see “Bad Teacher,” I ran into an artist doing sketches at the movie theater. It took all of two seconds for me to decide that I wanted to be drawn, and I would call it the Michael Lisa. People would travel the world over to see the drawing of me hanging in some art gallery or at the Smithsonian. Maybe they would even have a computer underneath my drawing so that people could access my blog while marveling at the Michael Lisa. Perhaps I’d have a few books out by then and people could look at my drawing, access my blog, and buy one of my books all in one sitting. I can just see it now. But until that day comes, I’ve posted it for my faithful readers to adore and drool over. Take advantage of it being posted now because once it’s in an art museum, I’m pretty sure there will be an admissions cost. And if not at the door, there will certainly be one to get into the Michael Lisa section of the gallery.

Michael Rochelle
Access my full blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Access my website: http://www.mikeyllo.com
Add me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1

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One Comment

  1. shaun says:

    Wow i was waiting for this lol funny about the job thing i had the same thing happen to me, …..but i took the laptop home to get it serviced,…still typing on that said laptop, not really working at that said job anymore though lol

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