So, I was taking a one mile hike to pick up my car from the mechanic the other day. Apparently cars need routine maintenance and they get very upset when you don’t do stuff like change the oil or give them gas. Well, you learn something new everyday. Now, I could have called a friend to have driven me, but I’ve always tried to be independent. If I can do it on my own, then that’s what I do. Also, I thought it be a good opportunity to get some exercise. You know, get the blood pumping and the sweat pouring so that maybe I’d fit into the super-sized trunks I bought by the end of the summer. Hey, I have goals. Anyway, I had my earphones on and was in my own world enjoying the music when the unthinkable happened. I was involved in a drive-by.

They say that your life flashes before your eyes when you’re involved in potentially deadly situations. I can confirm that this wasn’t the case when a red SUV passed me at about 40 miles an hour and pelted me with a water balloon and kept going. No harps began to play sad music as a montage of fragments of my life came and went. And I didn’t see God, Jesus, or the Pearly Gates. Instead, there was the initial shock of it all, then the embarrassment, then confusion, and then the feeling of water—or what I hope was water—running down my leg.

At the time, I didn’t know whether to laugh or be upset. Fortunately, I was just picking up my car and wasn’t on my way to do something important where it wouldn’t be in my best interest to look like I’d wet-wet on myself. I mean, how would I have explained that on a job interview? And would they have believed me if I told the truth? Actually, if I were on my way to an interview, I could have said, “You see how dedicated I was to being here? I didn’t even stop to use the restroom???? Oh, and did I mention how badly it hurts to be hit with a water balloon hurled at you from a moving car? I’m sure the impact was nothing in comparison to the atomic bomb or anything, but it did leave a bruise which will probably make me loose my modeling contract with Flaws-R-Us.

After making sure that my cell phone had not gotten wet, I decided not to be upset. It really wasn’t worth the energy. By the time I awakened from the stress induced coma, the car was long gone so there was no one to shake a fist at—or a select finger—and I just would have looked dumb if I started yelling “Why???? in slow motion like they do in the movies. Instead, I counted my blessings that it was just a water balloon and not a glass bottle, or a rock, or a tarantula for that matter. In fact, I began to feel presidential as I wondered if what I felt was anything like what President Bush felt when that guy flung shoes at him. Fortunately, in my case, the assault with a deadly balloon wasn’t replayed over and over on CNN and YouTube—at least not yet. When Barbara Walters comes calling, I will say, “No comment.???

The incident reminded me of how sometimes life literally tosses things your way and you just have to adjust. Sure, I’d rather the assailant had thrown something more useful like a sausage biscuit, pair of Nautica jeans, or a wad of cash, but they didn’t. As opposed to letting it ruin my day, I stopped waving to all the cars and yelling out “Jesus loves you??? as they passed by and kept it moving. In fact, I stayed as far away from the cars as I could and used a twig, a Sprite can, and three blades of grass to build a shield to protect myself from any future assaults. Once I got home, I used that shield to make an awesome pair of pants and a matching hat. Hey, it’s a recession. A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. Don’t judge me!

As I move forward with life after being involved in a drive-by, I will continue to keep my head up no matter what life hurls at me. I will also continue to find the humor in every day events because it is my belief that this simple act will help keep me sane—or so my shrink says. Imagine how stress free the world would be if we smiled instead of cursing someone out because they cut us off on the highway or took the last biscuit at the buffet. In those instances, you just have to wonder what the most powerful being in the universe would do. As a matter of fact, I’m going to send Oprah and email right now to ask her.

Share on Facebook

Tweet

Follow me