Some people are born with common sense. Other people are just born. I?d like to think that I have a good head on my shoulders and that I have the ability to reason and use good judgment. As a matter of fact, my shrink always agrees with my logic. It?s like I talk and he\/she\/it just nods his\/her\/its head right along with everything I say for the whole session as I lay there nude on the couch. The reason I say he\/she\/it is because the verdict is still out. However, it?s what my insurance would cover and it?s very convenient to have my sessions in the middle of a McDonalds.<\/p>\n
Despite all of this, because of random things like cell phone radiation, the price of tea in China, and a healthy fear of swine flu, my version of common sense, which my team of doctors ensure me was installed when I was hatched, sometimes functions intermittently. For instance, the other day I was at Wal-Mart with my parole officer?also known as my mother?when I saw a matching coffee maker, toaster, and iron being sold as a set for $20. Now, I don?t know why this interested me so much. I already have a toaster and an iron, and I don?t drink enough coffee to brew my own. Besides, someone has to keep Starbucks in business and I take on that responsibility with pride. But there is just something about being in a Wal-Mart that makes you evaluate taking home things you don?t really need or want. I?m surprised I haven?t left with a kid yet. I mean, they are reasonably priced and all, and the ones from Cambodia are on sale this week.<\/p>\n
Anyway, so I see this matching iron, toaster, and coffee maker set and it was as if I?d never seen a more perfect combination since peanut butter and jelly, the iPod and music, or cell phones and free daytime minutes. Though I?ve probably seen about 60 billion coffee makers in my life, this particular one took me back to my childhood as it beckoned for me. It practically called my name and said, ?Take me. I?m yours, Big Daddy.??? I couldn?t resist the temptation. I had to touch it. I just had to know how it worked despite the fact that my parole officer\/mother had strictly forbade me to touch anything, even if I was going to buy it. I carefully removed the unit from the shelf and began to investigate where the water went in. It was then that my beautiful day took a turn for the worse.<\/p>\n
They say that curiosity killed the cat. Well, I can?t speak for this alleged cat because I never saw an autopsy report, but I can say that curiosity did lead to the demise of a coffeepot. I had tilted the coffee maker just enough to find out how it worked, when the coffeepot dislodged itself from the holder and fell to the floor in slow motion. My life flashed before my eyes and I screamed out, ?NOOOOOOOOO.??? In my experience, Wal-Marts are typically loud places. Well, not when you break something. Then, you could hear a pin drop, or in this case, a coffeepot.<\/p>\n
As the coffeepot smashed to the ground, my first thought was to grab my mother?s hand, leave the cart behind, and run. Unfortunately, this wasn?t possible because the whole incident had been witnessed by millions of customers who had come from miles around to see what I?d done. They encircled me. They pointed and shook their heads disapprovingly. Somehow they knew that I didn?t even need a coffeepot and were questioning why I had picked it up in the first place. Fleeing was pointless. I knew the other patrons would rat me out for some lint and a pack of Skittles. In addition, my parole officer had already begun removing her belt and giving me the ?I?m about to beat your behind right in the middle of this store??? look. She?d never been on TV before and thought that a public flogging would be an easy way to make the nightly news. I was humiliated.<\/p>\n
After my mother received straight 10s across the board and a standing ovation for successfully executing one of her famous five hits with one swing lashings, I pulled up my Superman underoos as quickly as I could. With the fear in my heart of having to pay for the merchandise, or forever being banished from Wal-Marts across the nation, I searched for an employee to report the incident. When I found a lady whom I thought to be one, I asked, ?Do you work here???? She snarled, ?What do you need???? I knew right then that if I admitted that I was the culprit, she?d have me out back in front of the firing squad within a matter of minutes and I just couldn?t allow that to happen. I mean, how would my parole officer have gotten home. I decided that the less information I gave, the better off I?d be. After all, I have my whole life ahead of me. ?That coffee pot over there just fell and broke,??? I said. Now, this wasn?t exactly a lie. It did fall. And maybe it did have a little assistance from me, but the Bible says nothing about withholding information being one of the 10 commandments. As far as I?m concerned, as long as I didn?t eat from the tree of knowledge, which they also sell at Wal-Mart, I was fine.<\/p>\n
Therefore, the moral of this story, which I?m sure you?ve guessed by now, is wear clean underoos, because you just never know. Speaking of you just never know, several people have asked when it is that I post my blog so that they?ll know what day to check for updates. My goal is to post at some point over the weekend so it?s safe to check each Monday. Today I got a tad bit behind, but I?ll do better in the future?especially when I get up to like three readers because it will be more professional of me to have some type of system and to display a certain level of responsibility, which will work in my favor when I purchase those kids from Cambodia. <\/p>\n
Until next time, don?t do anything I wouldn?t do, which pretty much gives you free reign to do whatever you like.<\/p>\n
Michael <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Some people are born with common sense. Other people are just born. I?d like to think that I have a good head on my shoulders and that I have the ability to reason and use good judgment. As a matter of fact, my shrink always agrees with my logic. It?s like I talk and he\/she\/it […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[47],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\n