{"id":662,"date":"2019-02-17T13:53:32","date_gmt":"2019-02-17T17:53:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mikeyllo.com\/blog\/?p=662"},"modified":"2020-05-11T12:43:25","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T16:43:25","slug":"pickles-and-pregnancies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/mikeyllo.com\/blog\/2019\/02\/17\/pickles-and-pregnancies\/","title":{"rendered":"Pickles and Pregnancies"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>The other day, I was minding my own business in the middle of Target. As usual, I was only there to pick up one or two items, but I ended up with a cart full of stuff. It?s really not my fault though. Once you find out that BiC has a line of gel pens in assorted colors, you do what you have to do. At that point, they?re a necessity. Once you know better, you do better.<\/p>\n

For those of you wondering, yes, I did have a shopping list. The problem is, I usually take a pen with me so that I can add things to the list as I go along. My shrink says I need to be more accountable, so at least I can be honest when I tell her that I only got the things that were on my list. There is no need to overshare and tell her exactly when I added the items to the list. I mean, it?s really none of her business.<\/p>\n

After making major life decisions about colored markers, I made my way over to the food section. Before I go any further, I must address some disturbing news I heard on The Joe Budden Podcast. Apparently, the world is split into two types of people: those who feel it?s ok to buy food from Target, and those who don?t. This was news to me.<\/p>\n

You should have heard the disgust in the hosts? voices as they talked about people buying tomatoes off aisle six. They mentioned something about Target having a smell and there being something wrong with purchasing your underwear and your spaghetti from the same place. From their perspective, you might as well have gone dumpster diving at a landfill for leftover lobster and potato chips.<\/p>\n

I, myself, have never thought about it that way, but I did start wondering if I had been one of the people they observed getting excited and doing a jig after finding bananas and Ziploc bags on sale. For me, it really is about the little things. You should see what I do whenever they take a nickel off the price of Pop-Tarts. Let?s just say you may have to cover your toddler?s eyes.<\/p>\n

As I was strolling down the condiment aisle, trying to decide which mustard would make my mama proud, my eyes landed on a jar of pickles. Suddenly, everything seemed right with the world. Before I realized what was happening, I had moonwalked right on over to the Vlasics as if they were a new invention. I never knew that choosing dill spears could be so thrilling. If I wasn?t middle-aged, I would have done a back flip right there in front of the bottles of hot sauce and relish.<\/p>\n

Twenty minutes later, as I was still deciding which pickle jar would be coming home with me, I hit a wall of panic and dread. Why was I craving pickles all of a sudden? I probably hadn?t eaten a pickle since at least 1984, but at that moment, I would have chosen pickles as my last meal if I were given the opportunity. Something was clearly wrong.<\/p>\n

I ran over the various possibilities in my head. But, because I never trust my own information, I tapped the lady next to me on her shoulder and asked for feedback. She had on jeans and UGG boots, so I knew she was smart. She looked me over and said that I was probably ovulating or about to get my period. When I informed her that I was a guy, (it?s 2019, so I understand why she didn?t want to make any assumptions), she told me it didn?t matter. Hmm. Maybe she was onto something.<\/p>\n

Immediately, I grabbed my phone to ask Siri if I was ovulating. If anyone should know my cycle, it would be her. When she responded, ?I?m on my break,??? I decided to take matters into my own hands and quickly headed over to the feminine hygiene section. One way or the other, I was going to get to the bottom of this.<\/p>\n

As I passed a variety of feminine products that I would never quite understand, some with wings and some without, I did my Googles to narrow down my search. It was then that I was assaulted by an idea I hadn?t considered yet. Maybe I wasn?t ovulating or getting my period at all. Maybe I was pregnant. How would I explain this to my mom? Who was the father? Was I the father? I fainted. Fortunately, I landed on a shelf of maxi pads, which broke my fall. For the record, they really are absorbent! I didn?t feel a thing.<\/p>\n

Frightened by the idea that I could be with child, I considered the options. What type of mother would I be? What if I was having triplets? More importantly, do they even sell fashionable maternity clothing for men? It was at this point that I realized I was getting way ahead of myself. Before jumping to any conclusions, I would have to do what any normal guy in my situation would do: I would have to take a pregnancy test.<\/p>\n

As I looked at the test options, I realized how unprepared I was for this venture. Some were digital, and some weren?t. Some could provide my results within a minute, while others would take a little longer. Some showed the results as a plus or minus, and others displayed your fate with either one line or two. It was as if you needed a college degree just to understand the options. If I chose correctly, I could take the test right there on aisle ten and learn whether I?d be a mother before I made it to the checkout line. I wasn?t excited.<\/p>\n

Well, my dear readers, I am happy to share with you that I am not pregnant. Just to be sure, I took 8 tests back to back. I even had several other Target customers and a manager look at the tests behind me to confirm. I am not sure why I got so many strange looks as I thrust the used test sticks toward them. I just wanted them to give a second opinion. After all, my life was depending on this.<\/p>\n

As it turns out, I wasn?t ovulating or on my period either. Now, I don?t want to make you feel uncomfortable by oversharing, but I can say that I took a test to prove I wasn?t ovulating, and I chose one of the options with wings to find out whether I was on my period or not. After walking around uncomfortably for a whole week, I can say that Aunt Flo and the Redcoats never showed. It was a joyous occasion.<\/p>\n

Now that I think about it, maybe it was a bit unrealistic for me to have even thought that I was pregnant. I mean, I?d opted to be spayed and neutered years ago to avoid these types of scares, so I really should have known that there was no need to be picking out car seats and bassinets so quickly. Apparently, you can want a pickle just because you want a pickle, and it doesn?t automatically mean you?re having quadruplets. Very good to know.<\/p>\n

Michael Rochelle
\nHumor blog: http:\/\/www.humormike.com
\nFacebook: http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/michael.rochelle1
\nInstagram: humor_mike_
\nTwitter: @mikeyllo<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The other day, I was minding my own business in the middle of Target. As usual, I was only there to pick up one or two items, but I ended up with a cart full of stuff. It?s really not my fault though. 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