Anyone who knows me knows that I am not one to harp on things. As a matter of fact, I barely bring things up. I don’t even mention them. I’m better than that. Besides, the assortment of medications my team of shrinks provides me definitely helps with quieting my authentic self and allowing the truly fake me to present himself…or herself…or itself. Hey, we like all the pronouns here. We also like all the medications.

Now that my birthday has passed and I’m significantly older, I can tell you that some things have absolutely changed. For example, the other day I tried to click on an article titled “25 Things You Should Do While You’re Still Young.??? Immediately, the words “ACCESS DENIED??? popped up in bold, bright red letters on the screen. If I remember correctly, all types of alarms, bells, and whistles went off to alert me of the security breach. I froze. In situations like these, it is my belief that, if you stay completely still, it never happened.

Thinking the incident was some form of a fluke, I tried to click on a similar article and got the same result. After trying several other article links, my laptop alerted me that it was calling the police and it shut down. Apparently, me considering myself young is grounds for fraud charges at the federal level. Between you and me, I’m not ready to go back to jail. My record just doesn’t have space for any more felonies.

Fortunately, when my personal laptop was hijacked based on my search history, I was quickly able to rebound and switch over to my work laptop. If there is one thing that I’ve learned after all my many, many, many years of experience, it’s how to be resourceful. When I began searching for things that were more age-appropriate, I had no more issues. Actually, if I’m honest, several members of the tech support team at my job contacted me at home about the suspicious activity on my computer. Because I’m a complete professional, I respectfully told them to mind their business.

One of the recommendations from the article was for people my age to step up our booze game. Finally, a goal I can wholeheartedly support! I mean, I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I have a drinking problem. Instead, I’d rather consider myself an alcohol connoisseur. I’d like to get so good at consuming alcohol that I can have one sip of vodka and immediately describe the brand, country of origin, and the person working the production line when it was bottled. “Yes, this tastes just like Ernestine Jenkins.???

While we’re on the subject of alcohol, another recommendation was to buy a bottle of wine for $100 just for the experience. Well, the way Sallie Mae has my bank account set up, any charges over $40 to an establishment that sells alcohol are automatically declined. That noted, on my birthday I decided to get a little fancy and spend $35 for a bottle. I said a silent prayer at the register as I waited for the charge to go through. When the transaction was approved, I quickly snatched the bottle and ran to my car before the status could change. When you know Sallie Mae the way I do, you know that sometimes Sallie Mae giveth, but mostly Sallie Mae taketh away.

Once I was home and safely nestled on the floor of my closet, I drank the entire bottle just for research purposes. When I woke up a week later, I realized that I’m a man of the people. Don’t get me wrong. The wine certainly made me forget that I had a job, homework, and other adult responsibilities, but I was raised to be more of a Two-Buck-Chuck sort of guy. If you can get a bottle of wine for less than $1.50 after taxes, it’s probably more up my alley.

Another article recommended that people my age try some new looks. Accordingly, one day I wear a shaved face, and then the next I slap on a pointy mustache and a bow tie. I also went from wearing dreads one day to wearing a pink wig the next. As a matter of fact, no one even batted an eyelash when I wore a Lil’ Kim outfit with nothing but a pastie covering my left man-boob. I mean, if you have floppy F-cups just swinging around, you might as well flaunt them.

The last recommendation that I’m taking to heart is, although I have been known to make most things about me, allegedly, I’m not the only person who is aging rapidly. Apparently, if I’m getting older with each passing day, my mother, grandmother, and everyone else who was over 80 when I was born 100 years ago are getting older too. Because of this, I’ve been calling my mother more often to see if she’s ok. Although she seems to get annoyed by me calling her five minutes after we’ve just gotten off the phone so that I can ask her if her status has changed and to make her check her pulse again, my pacemaker is absolutely in the right place. It’s only because I care.

On a positive note, since my birthday, I realize that I’m now more firm and confident in my opinion—even if it’s wrong. Based on my new status as an elder in the community, I’ve been giving out random advice whether I’m asked for it or not. Several times yesterday I found myself saying things like “Mam, I wouldn’t burp my baby that way if I were you,??? or “Sir, those pants with that shirt? It’s a no for me, Dawg.??? What I’ve learned from this is that people really aren’t fans of constructive criticism. Also, once they’re offended, they really don’t like it when you then tell them they aren’t good at taking feedback and should begin to work on that.

Now, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that some things have happened over the past week that I absolutely didn’t expect. While I hate to admit it, I think I’m going through “the change.??? I thought this wasn’t possible for a few reasons. First, I figured I had at least a few more weeks before menopause hit full force. Second, there is that whole thing about me being a guy, allegedly. In any case, the hot flashes and night sweats seemed to be here to stay. Like Katy Perry once said, “I’m hot and I’m cold. I’m yes and I’m no.??? It’s problematic.

Lastly, much to the alarm of people around me, random songs seem to get stuck in my head for days now. I’m not sure if people really care about “Baby Shark??? being on repeat within the confines of my brain holder, but they do start to get a little antsy when I belt out the song in the middle of Target as if I’m Christina Aguilera while doing the hand gestures and the dance steps. Side note, parents really don’t like it when you snatch up their toddlers out of their carts on aisle 3 so that you can use them as backup dancers. Take it from your elder. Just don’t do it.

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: www.humormike.com
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