Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

Oops! I Think I Broke My Yoga

Written By: Michael Rochelle - Oct• 06•19

If I stand here still, maybe no one will notice me.

As you all know, lately I’ve been searching for all types of ways to relieve stress. Throughout the process, I’ve gotten a ton of recommendations from family and friends. Some of them were totally doable. Some of them made me blush. And some of them were illegal in at least 42 states and Guam. I know because I did my research. I cannot go to jail again this year—even if my Grandma is already there.

One recommendation was for me to try yoga. Immediately, I got on board. I mean, it looks super relaxing and is said to have many health benefits. Also, I imagine that all that stretching and posing could certainly help you maneuver your way around a Walmart. I will never understand why they put the Tide on the top shelf. It’s like you have to be 6’5 or taller in order to have clean clothes.

If I’m being honest, even my manager has asked me to be more flexible. Of course, I said no. I mean, just because they give me a paycheck doesn’t mean that they can just boss me around and ask me to do things. No ma’am. I understand it’s a part of my job description and all, but still. No means no. But I digress.

Before jumping right into a yoga routine, I used WebMD to see if anyone had any objections to me exercising in this manner. I posted a message in the comments that demanded people to speak now or forever hold their peace. When one commenter asked if I was pregnant, I panicked. I hadn’t thought of that. Immediately, I went to the emergency room to have a pregnancy test done. After taking three tests, it turned out I wasn’t pregnant. Whew. That was a close call.

The following day, I went back to the emergency room for an additional pregnancy test. Maybe this was overkill, but I just wanted to be sure nothing had changed overnight. No, I haven’t had coitus since 1963, but with people expecting the return of Jesus at any moment now, I didn’t want to take any chances. If Mary is unavailable for whatever reason, who knows who Jesus will come through. I bought a crib just in case. You just never know with these type of things.

Since I’m a slightly responsible person, I knew I would have to do some prep work before getting started. First, I would need a yoga mat. Second, I thought I would need a towel or two. From my perspective, exercising is no excuse to sweat freely. I’ve never seen Oprah or Beyoncé sweat, so I don’t allow myself to do so either. As soon as I have enough saved up, I’m going to go ahead and have my sweat glands removed. I don’t think I really need them.

Lastly, I needed to find some cute outfits to do the various yoga poses in. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m single. We singles must remember our status and remain marketable at all times. Who knows who may be checking you out while you’re doing a downward-facing-dog pose? I’m sure someone has met their future husband or wife that way. I couldn’t take the risk of not promoting my assets in the finest exercise gear my local Target had to offer.

Finding my inner warrior…and my inner balance…and my inner Beyoncé.

Because I know my limitations, I didn’t bother signing up to take a yoga class. Instead, I did my Googles and my YouTubes to find instructions. Who needs some random muscled-bound instructor yelling at you and demanding that you touch your toes on demand! No. I know my body and its limitations. If I haven’t had coffee yet, there’s no way my body is doing anything on command. From my perspective, it’s not about getting the poses 100% right. Instead, it’s more about you being able to make other people feel bad at dinner parties when you tell them you’re more enlightened than they are because you’ve been doing yoga for two weeks.

Of course, people progress at their own rates, but after I did beginner’s yoga just once, I began walking up to random people on the train and telling them to sit up straight. I looked a few people directly in their eyes and told them I could see the toxins building up in their souls. Perhaps it wasn’t my place to jump on the megaphone and walk behind people on the street while telling them how unhealthy they were because they hadn’t done yoga. I may have overdone it just a little.

Because I am an enlightened human being from the 15 minutes of yoga I did, I never hesitate to show off my new stress management and relaxation skills. Sometimes I’ll be right in the middle of a conversation and I’ll drop down into a tree or warrior pose. Usually, the stress-inducing culprit goes on about his or her business, but I’ve found that doing this in the middle of the lunchroom or during a company meeting can be a little disturbing to others.

Nothing to see here. Just trying to be flexible.

And I can’t pretend that doing yoga hasn’t had its downsides. Because I’m solidly middle-aged, it doesn’t take much for me to throw my back out. One day I simply clicked on a YouTube video and found myself in the hospital for three weeks. Apparently, at this age, you have to be super careful about your day-to-day activities. I recommend that, before turning on your computer, you should probably get a doctor’s note.

Now, I’ve never been one to toot my own horn unnecessarily, but I feel like doing the yoga that one time has helped with my anxiety and serenity. Later that day, when my cable and electric bills arrived in the mail, I simply tossed them into the trash without a care in the world. If worse comes to worst, I can always run over to my neighbor’s house and ask to borrow some sugar while taking a sneak peek at their TV to stay current with the news.

Also, because yoga can help with my flexibility and balance, if I need to stand on my neighbor’s roof at a right angle so that I can access their Wi-Fi, I’m pretty sure I can manage it. No sweat. And if a storm comes along and lightning strikes nearby, yoga helps you to maintain your sense of calm. Even with my eyebrows singed off and my mustache scorched, I should be able to remain right there on the roof in the appropriate pose that will allow me to continue using my neighbor’s internet signal just long enough to post my next blog update. It’s what my readers would want.

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: www.humormike.com
Facebook: michael.rochelle1
Instagram: humor_mike_
Twitter: @mikeyllo

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