Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

Twitter Superstar

Written By: Michael Rochelle - Aug• 04•19

Either this alert could be good, but it could be oh so bad.

The day I was born, I looked over at my mama and said, “One day I want to go viral on Twitter. I don’t know how it’s going to happen or when, but I promise to eventually use Twitter to make you proud.” Perhaps the conversation didn’t exactly go that way. After all, I was a baby who was probably drunk at the time, and Twitter wasn’t even a thing in 1920. Maybe my memory isn’t serving me correctly.

That noted, one day I was minding my own business, scrolling through my Twitter feed when I saw the cutest video of a young mother playfully using all types of gymnastics to get away from her son who appeared to be about two or three years old. Her skill at dodging the toddler reminded me of my skill at dodging responsibility. You should see the ducking and tumbling around I do on the floor whenever the rent is due or when the student loan police come knocking at my front door.

Seeing that mother and son having fun reminded me of that one time my own mother decided to play with me. I treasure that memory because it was one of the few times she let me out of the closet as a child. Perhaps I shouldn’t give her all the credit, though. Something tells me that those few minutes of playtime were probably court ordered. But I digress.

After watching the clip, I replied, “I keep asking my mom to do this with me, but she says it won’t work because I’m 39 and she’s 58.” While I pride myself on having an amazing sense of humor, I know that I have two more blog posts to go before people will consider me on the same level as Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy, or Joan Rivers. Clearly, I’m close and I should be considered in the conversation with these comedy icons, but, because I’m humble, I don’t raise a stink if my name isn’t mentioned. Anyway, I posted the reply and moved on with my day.

A few hours later, I saw that something was happening on Twitter because I had over 20 notifications. This filled me with excitement and dread. Usually, it’s not a good thing. The last few times it happened, I was being dragged up and down the Twitter streets for posting an unpopular opinion. I think I wrote “Good morning” one day and the Twitterverse found that a little too cheery and positive for their liking—especially before they’d had their coffee and vodka for the day.

Before checking to see what I’d done wrong this time, I called my team of shrinks and told them to be on high alert. If this was anything like the last time, I would need all hands on deck. Instead of taking just one of the anxiety pills that I bought off the black market, I took a handful of them and said a quick prayer. When I felt ready, I took the plunge an opened Twitter. What happened next would change my life for the remainder of that minute.

To my surprise, hundreds of people had liked my response. Some had even retweeted it. Immediately, I tossed my work laptop in the trash and quit my low paying job on the spot so that I could bask in my new Twitter celebrity status. I was not going to let this moment pass. I needed to be available for when Stephen King and J. K. Rowling came along offering multi-million-dollar book deals. And if they asked nicely, of course I would make time to sit down with Oprah. Why not?

Like any other celebrity, I made a few calls to let people know not to be alarmed if I suddenly started acting differently. I informed one of my best friends that if she wanted me to attend her baby shower, she would have to make room for six more people so that I could bring along my security detail. I comforted her by telling her not to be offended when some of my security staff arrived early to do a quick sweep of her house to make sure it was safe for me to attend. I’m happy to say that all was clear, but her baby’s father was escorted from the premises. He didn’t pass the background check.

Next, I called my mother and grandmother and told them that, although I appreciated all they had done for me, all future phone calls and scheduling of family outings would need to be coordinated through my team of assistants. My mom wasn’t happy, but I explained to her that if she wanted to check on me, an assistant could easily pass on my status to her. It’s more efficient that way. I told her not to think of it as her losing her relationship with her closet son. Instead, I was giving her the opportunity to bond with new people depending on which assistant answered the phone that day. Sometimes you have to help people to see the positives of a situation.

By the time the dust had settled, almost 3,000 people liked my response. Do you know how many people that is?!?! Let me try to put that in perspective. That is the equivalent of the number of people that routinely block the path of my shopping cart at Walmart when I’m trying to buy toothpaste. 3,000 is the number of active credit cards I have with outstanding balances. That’s pretty major.

Likes, Retweets, and Replies, Oh My!

Building of my new Twitter celebrity status, I had my lawyers contact the people over at MasterClass to let them know that I’d be available to teach a class or two if they so desired. Apparently, they hadn’t done their research on me. At one point I had to snatch the phone from my lawyer. In the deepest, most authoritative voice I could muster, I asked, “Do you know who I am?” They said no. I quickly hung up. Clearly, those people weren’t worth my time or energy. Their loss.

Because some time had gone by, it was at that point that I began to feel nervous. The phone hadn’t been ringing the way I thought it would based on my viral post status. I kept checking my phone to see if I had a signal. I called Verizon to have them do a system test. I blamed them for being the reason that Stephen King hadn’t called yet. When the representative informed me that nothing was wrong on their end, I attempted to recall the message I’d sent to Beyoncé telling her that my new status meant she could no longer have a photo with me if we ever met in person. Perhaps I’d gone a bit overboard.

After remembering that I was unemployed, I called my former boss, but I was informed by the operator that my number had been blocked. Tears trickled from my eyes until I realized that I could call her from a payphone. I jumped into my car and set out to find one. Twenty-two hours later, I realized that all the driving may have been unnecessary because I could have simply called her from my home phone. I was in Arkansas by then.

Fortunately, she answered on the first ring. I begged. I pleaded. I sounded like James Brown and the Pips. I told her it was just an April Fools’ joke. She told me it wasn’t April. People will always try to nail you on a technicality. Never one to lose an argument, I told her that it may not be April here in the US, but I was pretty sure it was April somewhere. I would have Googled it to confirm, but they don’t have the internet in Arkansas—or Twitter. I learned that the hard way.

Adding insult to injury, when I apologized to my grandma, she laughed and told me to check her credentials. Whereas I thought I had done something special with my tweet, apparently my grandma routinely wins Twitter and goes viral all the time. Yesterday, her post that read, “I’m eating liver and chicken gizzards” got over 30,000 likes and 5,361 retweets within 15 minutes. Perhaps I need to step my game up. Oh, wait. She just did another post. Apparently, my grandma is having a hot girl summer.

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: http://www.humormike.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1
Instagram: humor_mike_
Twitter: @mikeyllo

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