Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

MBA Blues

Written By: Michael Rochelle - May• 19•19

I’m not recommending that you don’t get an MBA because it will be bad for you; I’m recommending that you don’t so I won’t have to compete with you. Self-preservation, baby!

As some of you may know, four score and fifty-three years ago, I decided to pursue a Master of Business Administration, also known as an MBA. The main reason I made this decision was because I wanted to add more capital letters to my name. My parents only gave me four, so I didn’t think I had enough. People have asked why I didn’t choose to pursue a Ph.D. instead. First of all, stop being so judgmental. Secondly, Ph.D. only has two capital letters whereas MBA has three. Clearly, an MBA is a better choice.

Although I only have 368 credits remaining toward my degree, I’m really starting to question my decision-making skills. I mean, I have a humor blog. Isn’t that good enough? Must we all aspire to greatness? Isn’t it OK to settle for being partially adequate? There are literally billions of people out there walking the earth that don’t have MBAs and they all seem to be doing OK. If you ask me, and I assume you did, personal growth is highly overrated.

Another reason I began the pursuit of an MBA back in 1872 was because I wanted to add some credibility to my existence. Imagine me walking into a Walmart and saying to the greeter “My name is Michael Rochelle, MBA.” That has so much more weight to it than some of the other labels I’ve been given. “I am Michael Rochelle, convict.” Or, “I am Michael Rochelle, poor.”

Without those three capital letters, part of me believes that there is a whole world of opportunities I may be missing out on. Maybe McDonald’s offers a discount on fries to MBAs. Maybe I’ll be let in through a secret back door at all the Janet Jackson and Beyoncé concerts if I simply wave my degree around. Or, even better, maybe my boss will stop calling my “peasant” every time I have a question. The possibilities seem limitless.

From my perspective, now that I’ve accumulated $1,356,892.53 in student loans, there have to be some hidden benefits to all of this. I mean, it is partially gratifying to see that whenever Good Morning America shows charts about U.S. student loan debt, they always have my name listed as a footnote since I make up most of the debt. See, I always knew I was destined to be famous one way or the other.

Rumor has it that the pursuit of an MBA degree can help to build a person’s skills and knowledge. I guess I can say this is true. Since I started the coursework, I haven’t been having as many issues counting the number of paper clips in my desk drawer as I used to. Of course, my counts are still off a bit, but at least I’m no longer off by hundreds like I used to be. See what happens when you only have an inner-city elementary school education, kids? I should have never dropped out of the fourth grade simply because they didn’t have the Fruit Roll-Ups color I wanted. I had a point to make. Grape Fruit Roll-Ups Matter!!!

If I’m completely honest, although my coursework makes me cry a lot and drink more than I used to, I have to give myself credit for making it this far. I remember going to Harvard to turn in my application. The admissions staff looked over my credentials and laughed for a good hour and a half. Making matters even worse, the admissions counselor walked my transcript around the campus to give faculty and students a chance to have a good cackle as well.

Fortunately, my mama was there to dry my tears and remind me that Harvard was just one possibility. It wasn’t their fault that they could only see my lack of potential. Picking up my pride off the sidewalk, I gave Harvard the finger and headed off to my next school of choice. Let me clarify. We didn’t exactly give them the finger you’re probably thinking of. My mom and I kind of stole a finger from one of the science labs to keep as a souvenir. Since Harvard wasn’t going to let me in, we decided to give it back. It seemed to be the Christian thing to do. And by Christian, we mean Christian Louboutin.

Next, we stopped at Johns Hopkins University where we were sure I would be welcomed with open arms. After all, they are based in Baltimore, which is where I’m from. My acceptance was pretty much guaranteed. However, we were wrong. As soon as we arrived, my mama and I were promptly escorted off the campus by security and a janitor. Apparently, my reputation as a former stripper had preceded me, so they wanted no parts of it.

As I was pulled by my left arm and my mama was yanked by her fake ponytail, I reminded the staff that my stripper days were long behind me. Nowadays, I only perform as Caramel Macchiato Thunder at sporadic graduations and company parties. I mean, the fact that I stripped at Apple’s holiday party and a pre-school graduation on the same day back in 2013 shouldn’t still be held against me. The video footage never even made it to YouTube.

Of course, all is not lost. I persevered. The 463rd school I applied to accepted me as long as I agreed to pay them an additional $10,000 per course and I promised to never—EVER—name the school in public. So, although I can’t share which school is allowing me to slowly crawl toward my MBA degree, as a small hint, I can say that my classes are held in the stockroom of an abandoned Family Dollar. If the room is in use because Alcoholics Anonymous also holds meetings there, we head over to the nearest 7-Eleven instead.

All of that noted, I sincerely apologize to my two readers for my delay in updating the blog. Although I thought I could breeze right through the coursework because my mama said I was kind of smart, it is taking me way longer to get the wrong answers on every test and homework assignment than I originally expected. Really, someone should have warned me about all the work you have to put in just to have three capital letters added behind your name. If I had known the pursuit of an MBA would be this intense, maybe I would have chosen a Ph.D. instead.

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: http://www.humormike.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1
Instagram: humor_mike_
Twitter: @mikeyllo

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