Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

90 Day Fiancé

Written By: Michael Rochelle - Jan• 21•19

I’ve got love on the brain…or on the finger.

So, I was minding my own business at a comedy club the other day. No, I was not performing. Although I appreciate your faith in me, I’m just not at that level yet. Give me about 10 more years of performing for my fish in the comfort of my own dining room and then maybe I’ll be ready. I need more time to perfect my act. As a matter of fact, I’ve been working on this totally new joke concept. No one’s ever heard of it yet. Ok, three men and a baby walk into a bar—umm, never mind. Let me copyright that first.

Instead of me performing, I was there to see Heather McDonald. Because I appeared to be the only person there by myself, other attendees decided they needed to investigate. Who was this weird creature that dared go out and about all by his lonesome? Well, once my background check turned out ok, they labeled me “a single” and allowed me to stay for the show. And, because I know what you’re wondering, yes, I did pee in a cup. I’m just happy they got my results so quickly.

Anyway, once they accepted me as a person, although they still gave me the side eye every once in a while, my new friends started telling me about a TV show called 90 Day Fiancé. For those that haven’t paid their cable bill in a few years, (I have a GoFundMe to help pay mine), the show is about foreigners who use 90-day engagement visas to get into the US. Once they arrive, they have to marry within 90 days. Immediately, I had questions.

At first, I couldn’t tell whether I was being told about the show because they wanted me to watch it, or because they wanted me to be on the show. Now, I know I’m considered “a single,” but I don’t think my situation is that drastic just yet. I mean, I have at least two more weeks before I should start considering taking out a global personal ad. I’m not even sure, how much that sort of thing would cost. Perhaps I should just take out a few billboards on the side of the highway instead. Just imagine a huge advertisement with my picture on it popping up every three miles on your local interstate.

Although I’ve always wanted to be on a TV show, I had a few things to consider. I mean, what if someone who didn’t speak English found me absolutely adorable and responded to my ad? How would they read my blog? Clearly, the number one thing I look for in a mate is their ability to pat me on the head and tell me what a good job I did on my latest post. It could take years for them to learn to say, “Michael, you’re awesome.” Who has time for that? If your spouse can’t support and promote your blog, then what’s the point of marriage anyway?

If I am completely honest, I may have fantasized just a tad about my foreign soulmate and our wedding day. I wondered if I would wear white. I wondered if Beyoncé would be available to sing while my mother walked me down the aisle. I also wondered if The Electric Slide is listed as a required dance in the marriage handbook. Before now, I had no reason to be concerned about these sorts of things. Somehow, the idea of starring on 90 Dance Fiancé gave my life a new sense of purpose and endless possibilities.

I was just about to start putting out calls to wedding caterers when my new friends informed me they only wanted to know if I watched the show. Just like that, my dreams were shattered. Apparently, I wouldn’t be needing Beyoncé after all. I was just glad I was able to cancel the 50 red doves I’d ordered off Amazon Prime.

Once things were cleared up, I was told to watch the show because it makes you feel better about your own life. Something about that concept seemed wrong, but also seemed very intriguing at the same time. I mean, the whole reason I see my team of shrinks is so that I can feel better about my life, right? Could I avoid paying that weekly copay simply by watching a TV show?

I started watching as soon as I got home as if it were a homework assignment. I was hooked almost immediately for all the wrong reasons. Watching these “couples” interact was as fascinating and suspenseful as me wondering whether I’d pass a credit check. For the record, I never exactly “pass” a credit check, but it never hurts to try. I simply tell them to run the numbers again until the results are better.

If I am completely honest, watching these alleged relationships was very eye-opening. It was like having a lesson in all the things not to do to be a successful couple. I took notes. One day when I order my spouse off eBay, these notes may come in handy. A key observation I made is that I’ve had more meaningful connections with my gynecologist than some of these “couples” have with each other. And, because I’m a guy, that’s pretty hard to do. All of my gynecologist visits start with the doctor asking me why I’m there. We work through it though. It’s fine.

A key theme of the show is the disappointment that the foreigner feels when they come to the US. Their hopes and dreams are shattered almost as soon as they step off the plane and some even call it a nightmare. Though a tad bit dramatic, it reminds me of some of my most recent blind dates. As soon as I walk in and the person realizes I’m the one they’re meeting, the light kind of disappears from their eyes. Maybe it’s my fault. Perhaps I should stop using Brad Pitt’s photo as my dating profile picture. However, it can be argued that Brad Pitt and I do kind of look alike—especially when you squint and view us both in dark lighting after you’ve had four or five shots of vodka.

While watching, I remembered that I originally thought I was supposed to star on the show. I may have even accidentally gone to the TLC website to fill out an application and to send in a recent headshot. Unfortunately, I didn’t get too far into the process before I realized I wasn’t their ideal candidate. They need their cast members to be flawed, so, clearly, I am out of the running. My team of shrinks agree.

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: http://www.humormike.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1
Instagram: humor_mike_
Twitter: @mikeyllo

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