Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

Becoming Michael

Written By: Michael Rochelle - Dec• 23•18

Me and Bugsy

First of all, I’m sure you’ve probably heard the news about me filing that lawsuit against Michelle Obama for releasing her new book Becoming. It is truly unfortunate, but I can assure you it’s not my fault. It is no secret that I copyrighted the titles Becoming Michael and Becoming Michelle years ago. If she wanted to use either one of them, she could have simply asked. If there is one thing that people always say about me, it’s that I’m reasonable. If there is another thing said about me, it’s that I’m beautiful.

I know what you’re wondering. Why did I copyright both titles? Well, I like to keep my options open. Today I feel like a Michael, but tomorrow, maybe I’ll feel like a Michelle. Who knows? I believe in equality. That noted, I have also copyrighted Becoming Steve, Becoming Ted, and Becoming Nancy just in case. Govern yourselves accordingly.

Anyway, I tried to give Michelle the benefit of the doubt. I tried to be understanding, but the more I thought about it, the more the thievery seemed intentional. I mean, where else would she have gotten the title? It’s not like Michael and Michelle are common names. She didn’t choose those randomly. Clearly, she reads my blog and pilfered the idea. As a matter of fact, even her book cover looks just like the picture I took a few moments ago.

Exhibit A – Proof!!!!!

Look at the hair. Look at that smile. Clearly, she copied me. I have a case.

On the flip side, since her version of my book has sold a zillion copies, there is now renewed interest in my memoir. Apparently, there is a market for my life story. Several publishers believe they can sell at least three copies in the first week. That noted, I’m considering all offers. If any publishers believe they can sell four copies in the first week, I’m quitting my job on the spot and signing on that dotted line.

Now that Michelle has released her book, I guess I can no longer publish the story of how I met Barack and how we keep things together after all these years. However, I can share that I went to Los Angeles a few weeks ago and I was almost discovered. By “almost discovered,” I mean that I crossed a street that I’m sure Steven Spielberg drove down several years ago. If only I had timed my visit better, perhaps I would have gotten my big break in the original Jurassic Park movie playing one of the raptors.

After saving up for 75 years, I finally had enough money to make a return trip to Los Angeles. I had gone a few years ago, but had very limited time then, so I needed to go back to make my big break. I mean, I expected to bump into Oprah or Will Smith within moments of my arrival. I thought I’d be standing in a parking lot evaluating whatever writing, acting, singing, or modeling contract they wanted to offer me. I mean, if I’m anything, I’m versatile.

Once it became clear that I wasn’t going to be discovered while tying my shoe in front of a Rite Aid, I had to make hotel arrangements. I was sure Will and Jada would have let me sleep on his couch, but since he left me hanging, I had to make other plans. That noted, let me give you guys a word of advice when searching for hotels. If the room costs $5 or less per night, there is probably a good reason why. If the location has less than one star on Yelp, I would avoid it if you value your life or your wallet. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I had to learn this the hard way.

After spending the first night hiding under the bed and ignoring the sound of gunshots outside the window and in the hallway, I decided to use what seemed like it could be my last day on earth to do some studio backlot tours. If the studio execs weren’t ready to come to me, I was going to go to them with a prepared monologue, a song, and a dance number that I could execute at any moment.

When I learned that The Ellen DeGeneres Show filmed at Warner Bros. Studio, I made their backlot tour my first stop. Of course, Ellen would have me on her show! I was sure of it. If worse came to worst, and she needed a little nudging, I could simply remind her about how I used to coach her back in the 70s. If we are being completely honest, some of those comedy routines and dance moves are clearly mine. Everyone knows that. Maybe I should sue her too.

Since I am no fool, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to just walk on the backlot and see Ellen. I assumed there would be a whole security process involved. Well, as soon as I saw someone who looked like they had some authority and clout, I burst into a very Michael rendition of “Shallow” from A Star is Born. Because I’m a professional, I did both the Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper parts. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. The show must always go on.

During my big finale, I did a quick shuffle and a high kick before launching into a Shim Sham Shimmy with arms-arms and a crossover then finished with a step-ball-change. As I held the final position and tried to catch my breath while ignoring the bead of sweat rolling down my nose, the observer asked, “Was that for me?” When I assured him it was, he informed me that he was the janitor. Despite that, on a scale of one to ten, he gave me a solid two, patted me on the head, and encouraged me to keep trying.

When it became clear that I would not be seeing Ellen during my visit, I decided to go to Universal Studios Hollywood instead. I figured that I would run into Jimmy Fallon, who was sure to be way more reasonable than the janitor at Warner Bros. If not, perhaps Kristen Bell would be filming The Good Place and would want some notes on her performance, which I was more than willing to provide. As I walked around the lot, I decided I would not do a single dance step until I knew I was performing for the right people. I had learned my lesson. That mistake was not going to happen to me more than once in a single day.

As you may have guessed, I didn’t run into Jimmy Fallon or Kristen Bell. However, I did meet some very lovely security guards who escorted me off the premises for appearing suspicious. I asked them if they had any idea who they were dealing with. They didn’t. I was shocked they didn’t know that I had come up with the original idea for Becoming. Here Michael or Michelle was standing there right before them and they couldn’t have cared less. I’m adding that to the lawsuit.

One Sweet Day!

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: www.humormike.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1
Instagram: www.instagram.com/HumorMike
Twitter: www.twitter.com/mikeyllo

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