As many of my two readers know, in a few weeks I will be having yet another birthday. This is disturbing for several reasons. First, I could’ve sworn I just had a birthday yesterday. Second, I’m inching closer and closer to learning what happens to people when they hit 40. Third, my metabolism is acting more refurbished with each passing day. I’m expecting it to quit or go on strike at any moment.

Anyway, as the big day draws near, I’m happy to report that I’m becoming more responsible as a person. Although I still wake up eating bacon every morning, I’ve avoided going to Kohl’s for the last month or so. Just to ensure that I’d kicked my Kohl’s habit, I recently stopped by to see if I could resist the urge to buy something. It was a true test of my will power.

If you must know, my visit to Kohl’s was very successful. I only spent $250 on things that I really needed, like this one flannel shirt that perfectly matched this pair of khakis I just had lying around. For your information, that shirt has added versatility to my wardrobe that I didn’t have before. An absolutely necessary purchase. You’ll see.

If I’m completely honest, the $250 doesn’t exactly include the $100 blazer I accidentally purchased for the blog photo. I know what you’re thinking. “Michael,??? you say, “you actually spent $350.??? Well, technically, yes. However, I consider the blazer a necessary business cost. Clearly, my readers aren’t just here for the spectacular writing. You’re also here for the photos. You look forward to it just as much as you do the cover photos of Oprah’s magazine and People or Good Housekeeping. I completely understand.

I haven’t exactly figured out what I will do for my birthday. However, because of the way my bank account is set up, any birthday activities will need to be less than $10 in total. Since I’ve made my big day a four-day weekend, I’ll have a spending allowance of about $2.50 per day. Don’t worry, though. If I see another awesome suit jacket in my travels, I’ll find a way to acquire it. No, I won’t steal it. I’m not that type of person anymore. But I may stand outside the store and ask for voluntary contributions.

At this age, Women’s Day magazine recommended that I see a gynecologist. Honestly, I can’t believe I’ve gone this long without seeing one. Knowing your reproductive health status is very important. Although I don’t have any immediate plans for having puppies of my own, who knows what the future holds? Unfortunately, each time I call to set up an appointment, the receptionist just laughs at me and hangs up. Some people can be so immature. It’s OK. I’ll just go as a walk-in.

In addition to seeing a gynecologist for my birthday, I’ve been thinking about taking some sort of road trip. Of course, I have to keep in mind my $10 budget, but maybe I could make it work. I mean, if Jesus fed a whole crowd with two fish and five loaves, the least I can do is have a little faith.

Speaking of fish, my fish and I have been talking about going back to Atlantic City. I’m not so sure about this. My fish are very well trained and all, but after releasing them into the ocean for a few hours last time, it was a nightmare trying to get them back into their tank. I had to remind them that they were freshwater fish, and that they wouldn’t last very long in the salt water. That did it. You should have seen them flopping around and begging to get back into the aquarium. Fortunately for them, I have a heart.

If not Atlantic City, I could finally make my way up to Niagara Falls. But now that summer has passed, I have to consider how much fun the trip will be if it’s 50 degrees outside. The idea of being cold and damp puts a bit of a downer on the trip. I’m not sure how enjoyable it will be to look at the waterfalls while my teeth are chattering and my bronchitis is rearing its ugly head. Maybe I should reconsider.

The good news is that, even if the road trip thing doesn’t work out, I do have a trip to Las Vegas coming up within the next few weeks. I’m going for work, but perhaps I can repurpose the trip to tackle some items on my bucket list. Maybe I’ll be able to squeeze in opening for Celine Dion during that trip. However, she and I will have to talk about that. She has some concerns that I may show her up if I go on first, so perhaps I’ll make some minor adjustments to my show. We’ll see.

If that doesn’t work out, because I did those two push-ups back in 1996, maybe I can finally agree to be the lead in the Magic Mike Live show. I keep explaining to them that I don’t do magic, but they say that’s not a problem. For some reason, they’re only concerned about whether I have leather chaps, cowboy boots, assorted tear-away pants, and glitter. Fortunately, I never leave home without any of those things.

While I’m in Vegas, perhaps serving as a backup dancer for Jennifer Lopez or Ricky Martin may be an option. I should call and let them both know I’m coming so that they can go ahead and start fighting over me now. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t. No one should be subject to receiving a right hook from Jennifer Lopez. Absolutely no one. But, honestly, how they sort this out is really none of my business. They are two partially responsible adults. If they opt to fight over me instead of having a dance off, that is really on them.

At the end of the day, my point is that my birthday is coming up. That noted, you should govern yourselves accordingly. Since my birthday funds are running a tad-bit low, I’ll be accepting donations in the form of cash, credit, snack cakes, and juice boxes. On the other hand, if you opt to see me open for Celine Dion, please stay for her show after my performance. Having half the audience and the entire front row leave when I exit the stage can be a little disturbing. She is super sensitive about those sorts of things.

If you opt to see me in the Magic Mike Live show, please respect my privacy and do not take pictures or videos. I know that my performance will be the highlight of some people’s whole lives, but the last time my routine ended up on YouTube, Barack and Michelle were not happy about it at all. Lastly, if you see Jennifer or Ricky with bruises over the next few weeks, please just nod understandingly and don’t make a scene. Whereas Ricky may be willing to talk about the fight over me, Jennifer will not be so gracious. You’ve been warned.

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
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