Hypothetically Speaking . . .

. . . . . . . . Because Humor Matters

Of iPhones And Men

Written By: Humor Mike - Sep• 24•18

All My Children

If you know anything about me, you know that I make a major life decision every September. Because Iím allegedly a responsible adult, I never take this decision lightly out of respect for the millions who have had to make this choice before me. You probably guessed it. Itís the decision of whether to get out of bed or not. But after making that judgment call, I then have to make a choice that Iíll have to live with for the next year or two. To upgrade, or not to upgrade my iPhone: that is the question.

When faced with such a potentially life altering decision, I usually consult my team of shrinks and my grandma for guidance. Grandma once said that I could always count on her to be of assistance with lifeís little dilemmas. Apparently, when she made that statement, sheíd forgotten about her sleep schedule, which leaves me about 45 minutes each day when she is awake to offer support. Geez.

When neither my grandma nor my team of shrinks are available, I take more drastic measures. Thatís right, I pray to the ghosts of iPhones past for their perspective. I mean, itís what any normal person would do. And although I use this option only as a last resort, I must say itís refreshing to not have to worry about having to pay a copay like I do when I consult my shrinks or my grandma. At this point, my grandma only takes American Express. According to her, cash is so last season.

So, before you start judging and thinking Iím one of those Apple fanatics who takes off work and stands in line for several weeks just to buy a new phone, I am notówell, not anymore. My boss has firmly said she could no longer tolerate me calling out sick for three weeks every year. I countered her statement by telling her that the stores have Wi-Fi, so I could work remotely while waiting in line, but she rejected that too. Some people have no sense of whatís truly important.

Honestly, I canít really blame my boss for her lack of support. Last year, she took a slight issue to my being on sick leave when I could clearly be seen sitting outside the Apple store by anyone who passed by. It probably didnít help my cause that I had done several interviews for the local news, and my picture was on the front page of the Washington Post showing my excitement as I waited. At the time, I was supposed to have been at the hospital with a ruptured spleen and a tattered heart. Perhaps I hadnít really thought it through. No one goes to the hospital for a tattered heart anymore.

Well, if you must know, I handled things much more reasonably this year. And by reasonably, I mean that I only waited in line for 3 days for my iPhone. Totally acceptable! Although I wonít go into details, surprisingly I only had to use the potty once the whole time. Since there were no restrooms, this gave me an opportunity to get creative. Youíd be amazed at what you can accomplish by simply ducking behind an oak tree. More importantly, relieving yourself outside in the middle of a city block with nothing but a few leaves and two cigarette butts gives you a real appreciation for Charmin Ultra Soft.

I assure you that the waiting wasnít as bad as youíre probably thinking. Believe it or not, Iíve met some pretty interesting people while waiting in line. I wonít say any names in effort to protect the innocent, but this one guy named Harold Jenkins waited in line even longer than I did. According to him, heíd been standing there since 1942. If you had asked me to guess when heíd arrived, I would have thought 1960 at the earliest. Either way I admired his commitment.

Because I consider the term ďnerd??? to be rather offensive, I wonít describe Harold in that way. Instead, Iíll just say that he was wearing a bow tie even though he had on a T-shirt. Oh, and maybe his glasses were a little on the thick side, but apparently thatís ok. Style gurus Anna Wintour and Miranda Priestly both told me thick glasses were coming back in styleóespecially when paired with the right pocket square and orthopedic shoes.

The most interesting thing about Harold was the aluminum foil helmet he wore as we stood there. At first I thought it was a bit odd, but once he explained that he was protecting us from the aliens that walk among us, it made complete sense. Hey, safety first! He even makes his dogs, Socrates and Aristotle, wear the foil helmets for their protection too. Like Harold said, ďWhen the aliens come, everyone is a target unless they are wearing proper headgear.??? I immediately ordered one from Amazon.

After what seemed like an eternity, the moment of truth came and the store finally opened. Even though the clerks said they were ready for us, we all stood back and let Harold go first to make sure the coast was clear. Although we had just spent several days with Harold, none of us felt like we could correctly identify whether the salespeople were aliens or not. In fact, Iím taking Harold with me the next time I go to visit my mother. Sheís been acting weird lately, so I need Harold for a second opinion.

Before long, it happened. I was presented with an iPhone Xs of my very own. Tears streamed down my face as I looked down at it in awe. It was so beautiful. At that moment, my maternal instincts kicked in. I immediately took my shirt off so we could have skin-to-skin contact. Iíve never been more proud in my whole life. It was then I knew that real dreams do come true. ďIím going to call you Charlie,??? I said as I cuddled the most precious little thing I had ever seen.

Itís been a few days since Charlie has been with me, and unlike what many blogs say, my iPhone sleeps right through the night. It probably helps that I use the do-not-disturb setting to make this happen, but thatĎs neither here nor there. Itís amazing how I somehow just know when itís time to plug little Charlie in and when to put on his leather case to protect him from the cold. I havenít exactly mastered the whole nursing thing just yet, but as they say, ďRome wasnít built in a day.??? Eventually Iíll get the hang of it. I expect little Charlie and I to be really happy together . . . right up until this time next year . . . when Iím forced to wait in line with my foil helmet to trade him in. Hmmm.

Michael Rochelle
Humor blog: http://www.justmichael.net/blog
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/michael.rochelle1
Instagram: humor_mike_
Twitter: @mikeyllo

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